Stuccosaurus fossil restored

PORTLAND - A new species of dinosaur has been discovered in the suburban regions of what is now western North America.

Stuccosaurus (Stegosauridae Lathandplaster, "siding lizard") had distinctive tail spikes and back plates like its cousin, Stegosaurus. It also lived in the Late Jurassic period (Early Baroque to Rococo), often gathering in rows along similarly shaped plots of land.

"We think the rough, monochromatic exterior was there to cover a less appealing skin underneath," said Ron Tadelakt, curator of the Feign Museum of Science and Natural History. "Stuccosaurus flourished in its time, and had various pigments, depending on habitat."

The coating provided a durable, weather-resistant shield from the elements, and was attractive to other stuccosauri. However, it could be chipped or broken easily, and this may have contributed to its extinction about 145 million years ago.

Cujito: Now there's a little name for terror.

Archaeologists discover Metrolopithecus, "Accessory Man"

MILAN - Archaeologists working in Europe have discovered a new species from the hominid family, Metrolopithecus Beckhami. The complete, very well-groomed specimen was found near the posh midtown district of a prehistoric settlement.

"This early human clearly took good care of himself, and had considerable means at his disposal," said archaeologist Magnus Vanderpool. "We've never once found a fossil of this genus so far outside Africa, but this little guy liked to travel. He kept his belongings in a rather stylish leather satchel."

Metrolopithecus, or "Ashton" as researchers have nicknamed him, was somewhat adept with tools, but showed great skill in accessorizing. "He made his own moisturizer, and we're still piecing together the jewelry he had on." said Vanderpool.

Virtually no other hominid has been found to trim its nails and facial hair for another 2 million years. No evidence was found that Metrolopithecus hunted, but he could gather with the very best of modern shoppers today. Very little is known about the community life of Metrolopithecus, as he left few clues as to ties with others.

Scientists scoff at new element, Ridiculum

Shred Here

Potato-shaped potato sells for $.79 on eBay

BURBANK - A potato that bears an uncanny resemblance to a potato sold at auction this week for 79 cents, before auction fees and shipping charges.

"To look at it, you wouldn't know it from a potato," said winning bidder Jane Valvonne. She secured the unusual tuber with a last-minute bid that beat out her next closest competitor, at 74 cents.

"I was biting my nails right up to the end, but things just turned out my way, I guess."

The curious potato shape assumed by the potato reminded Valvonne of the recent excitement over a heart-shaped potato presented to President Barack Obama on Late Night with David Letterman on Monday, September 21, 2009.

The previous week brought news of a carrot shaped like a hand, which was eaten.

Potato farmer Roy Massey claims he didn't do anything unusual while growing the potato. "It's pretty much grown the same way you'd grow any potato you find in the grocery store," said Massey. "You could still eat it, but I guess this one's just kind of special."

Valvonne has not yet made any plans to display or resell the potato, but she reveals that she is in talks with a company that may help her preserve it and its perfect potato-like shape. Her publicist dispelled rumors that she was negotiating with a major snack manufacturer to make the rare find into potato-chip-shaped chips.

Fluoride... Take it easy

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Oil spill cleaned up with gigantic doily

Hammer and 'Sicle

Stereogram of carpet looks like slightly different carpet

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New neighbor setting off Amwaydar

VANCEFORD - The guy who just moved in next door to Will and Patsy Grindace is triggering their Amwaydar, an intuitive ability some have for detecting multi-level marketing.

Lawrence "Larry" Bostock, Jr. purchased the ranch house adjacent to the Grindaces, and so far has been a pleasant addition to the neighborhood.

"He seems a decent guy," said Will Grindace after a recent backyard cookout hosted by the Hutchinsons across the street. "Good manners, well groomed, no noisy activities after 8 at night. Keeps his lawn in good shape."

However, at the cookout, several of the guests grew concerned that Bostock may be involved in some sort of business that involves reselling products and recruiting other sales associates.

"We were talking in real general terms, you know 'what do you do' kind of stuff," said Grindace, who is a project manager for a printing company. "I thought nothing of it when he mentioned retail, home care products and electronics. We were just making small talk at that point. But he said 'water and air purifiers' and that perked up my ears."

Grindace grew suspicious as Bostock talked of working for himself and that his company might be looking for quality people for a great new opportunity.

"He said 'passive income,' and that's when I knew. I don't know what company he's working for, but I didn't intend to find out."

By the time Bostock got to insurance and dietary supplements, Grindace had already begun plotting his esape from the back yard to the kitchen.

"He was actually addressing the back of my head when he asked how much extra I'd like to make a month."

The evening continued quietly if uncomfortably, with Bostock making several vain invitations to an informational event at his house next Tuesday. The following day, the Grindaces cleaned out their 2-car garage so they could resume parking in it and avoid eye contact with Bostock.