Friday, June 26, 2015

National Guard deployed to allow same-sex wedding to go forward


PAXTON, TX - President Obama sent National Guard troops accompany the wedding of Ellen Turing and Gertrude Buchanan, over the objections of local officials who were trying to prevent it.

Following today's Supreme Court ruling that made same-sex marriages legal across the United States, countless couples have flocked to courthouses to tie the knot. However, some local governments are not necessarily going along with it, standing in the courthouse door to prevent couples from entering.

Paxton's Justice of the Peace Myra Trobeck told the commanding officer that allowing two women or two men to marry would lead to people marrying dogs or turtles next.

The officer in charge of deployment responded, "Ma'am, when dogs or turtles successfully gain the right to form binding contracts, we will be here to enforce their rights as well."

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Another Al Qaeda middle manager promoted suddenly

"The transition was a little sudden," said the new No. 2, "but I'm looking forward to the challenges of an expanded leadership role however brief it may be."

A U.S. airstrike has killed another top Al Qaeda leader, opening the way for advancement of lower-down leaders in the terrorist organization.

The new Number 2 at Al Qaeda will set forth his agenda at the next quarterly board meeting to be held in an undisclosed location. His top priorities will be dealing with competition from the so-called Islamic State, or IS, and the problem of turnover within the ranks.

"Opportunities keep popping up, and there's great mobility in this organization," said the senior Al Qaeda administrator who asked to remain anonymous. "The benefits are great, but of course job security is a big concern."

Several upper management candidates have shared similar sentiments, along with the common complaint that Al Qaeda has a poor record for retirement benefits. No top leaders or former leaders were available for comment.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Constellation names updated to reflect modern tastes, sponsors

Formerly known as the Big Dipper, or before that Ursa Major by some cultures, the constellation Big Shopper
in the northern sky points the way to the ShopBig North Star, formerly Polaris.
TAMPA, FL - Reflecting modern technology, sensibilities and brands, the Global Panel on Commerce and Constellation Naming (GPCCN) has passed a draft resolution to rename the constellations.

"People these days can't relate to archaic names for things like Orion or Capricorn," said GPCCN director Ann Deromeda. "Through generous funding of various corporate entities, we have spiffed up the names of the constellations for everyone."

The full list will be released as the major sponsors complete payment, but a partial list was in the panel's press release:

  • "Orion" will now be known as "Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2"
  • "Virgo" will become "MonsterEnergy.com"
  • The "Southern Cross" constellations will be the "Ken Ham's Answers in Genesis Crosses"
  • The "Milky Way" as a whole will be renamed "The Milky Way Bar" after the popular candy.
Cultural groups and astronomers have expressed outrage at what they call the outright sale of natural phenomena to the highest bidder.

Deromeda has not responded to these specific complaints, but notes that individual stars and planets are up next for sponsorship and renaming.

Philae Comet lander wakes up, hits snooze


CHURYUMOV-GERASIMENKO, SPACE - Philae, the first spacecraft to ever land on a comet, has awakened after landing 7 months ago and going to sleep, only to hit the snooze bar.

"This is unfamiliar territory," said ESA (European Space Agency) Somnochronologist Knute Ohlsson. "We don't know how long the snooze is set, so it could be nine minutes or seven more months."

Observers hope that as the comet nears the sun, the Philae lander will awaken again to warmer, more favorable conditions and get some work done.

Friday, June 12, 2015

London Transport launches first open-top airliner tour


LONDON - Tourists now have a whole new way to go sightseeing over one of the world's most famous skylines. London Transport has just expanded service to include passenger jet service in open-top double decker airliners.

The transport authority, known across the globe for its Underground rail network, iconic red double-decker buses and the national rail service, wanted to offer visitors to London a unique experience.

"There were naysayers all along who told us that putting passengers up top was insane," said transport manager Reginald Smith. "Long as you keep the jet below a few thousand feet and not too fast, everyone has a great time."

Smith addressed concerns that some passengers might fall off of the jet, an AEC Regent LX fitted with railings all around the top. "You've got the same protections in place as the buses, right? People don't go falling off of those every day."

Community groups have voiced concerns about the potential noise of jet engines circling the city at low altitudes.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

New post voting gives readers illusion of influence

JANKYVISION HEADQUARTERS, GUADELOUPE - Despite a lack of any popular demand whatsoever, JankyVision has added post voting to each story. You now have the ability to feel like perhaps you are helping to guide the direction of JankyVision Enterprises by directly interacting with our content in a way that is much less work-intensive than typing a comment.

With three options: "Awesome", "Meh" and "Huh?" you can now accurately express the entire range of human emotions on any post. You can get together with friends and have "post voting" parties! You can Tweet "I just voted 'Meh' on a post about Metrolopithecus!" You can make a t-shirt with "Huh?" on it!

OFFER NOT VALID IN TN, AK, WY, WI, US VIRGIN ISLANDS, CAMEROON OR WALES. ONLY ONE VOTE PER POST UNLESS USER FEELS THE POST MERITS MORE NUANCED APPROACH. WAGERING ON PERFORMANCE OF POSTS IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED AND WILL NOT BE ACKNOWLEDGED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. DO NOT VOTE WHILE INTOXICATED. ATTEMPTS TO TAMPER WITH VOTING PROCEDURES OR RESULTS WILL ELICIT A STRONGLY WORDED MESSAGE AS SOON AS WE GET AROUND TO IT. THAT'S NOT TO SAY WE ACTUALLY READ, REVIEW OR EVEN HAVE A WAY TO AGGREGATE THESE VOTES. WE TOTALLY DON'T AT THIS POINT. MAYBE WE WILL SOMEDAY. IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF WORK RESEARCHING, WRITING AND EDITING THESE NEWS STORIES AND IT GETS LONELY SOMETIMES. WE ARE NOT SHOUTING OR UPSET WITH YOU IN GENERAL, THIS IS JUST LEGALESE AND THIS IS HOW WE'VE SEEN IT DONE MOST OF THE TIME. SO ANYWAY, HAVE A NICE DAY AND ALL. FRIENDS?

What is this bizarre mystery creature that washe-- oh, it's a decomposed sturgeon


PISMO BEACH, CA - A terrifying carcass washed ashore this week, prompting locals to give it fanciful names like Chupacarpa, Devil Bearfish, Fishquatch and Yetipus. A biology teacher from a nearby high school determined that it was simply a white sturgeon.

The creature was about 3 meters long and had features like a fish, a sea lion, a bucket of raw chicken entrails and a mermaid. The teacher reiterated that it was a sturgeon (a species of fish) that had partially decomposed, changing its appearance into a less familiar form.

Several onlookers shrieked in horror and wondered aloud if the devil incarnate had come to Pismo Beach, but the teacher was quick to reassure them that this was a completely natural occurrence. The "unholy stench" attributed by beholders to the unexplained beast, he claimed, was due to bacterial forces rotting the flesh "as happens with every living thing."

Local media, emergency personnel and paranormal investigators have been contacted to come to the scene. Temporary residences have been set up at the beach while t-shirt vendors prepare for waves of sightseers. An exorcism is planned for this evening.

Seagulls and crabs had scavenged most of the baffling sea monster by late afternoon, but a makeshift monument identifies the place where a more permanent landmark will be installed later.

"Do Puzzles Not Drugs" pen looks fun to try while high


ANCHORAGE, AK - Wesley Dublichuk found a 3D maze pen in his car that urged him to do puzzles and not drugs, and now he can only wonder what it would be like to solve the puzzle high.

Dublichuk describes himself as "not a stoner, but a guy who partakes in the bud now and then." The 26-year-old pizza delivery driver probably picked up the pen on one of his many stops during a shift.

"Come to think of it, probably the doctor's office," said Dublichuk. "You know they've always got colorful knick-knacks by the reception desk. Yeah, I'm thinking it was there."

Dublichuk has no immediate plans to procure marijuana in order to indulge his hypothesis, but he says he will hang on to it just in case.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

This will change the way you watch "Toy Story"


Old Faithful threatens to move if it doesn't get new facility


PARK COUNTY, WY - Yellowstone National Park's most famous geyser Old Faithful could become Toronto's or Richmond's Old Faithful if taxpayers do not agree to pay for new facilities.

"People in Yellowstone have come to take the geographical feature for granted, and that's why we're looking into new possibilities," said geyser agent Vance Dubrowsey. "A city like Toronto does not have a geyser, and they can certainly appreciate the excitement and revenue this franchise would bring."

Local supporters of Old Faithful insist that the famous natural feature, which erupts almost every 63 minutes, is intertwined with local culture and even the land itself.

"You can't just pick up a geyser and move it to another town," said Josh Watts, a t-shirt salesman at The Old Faithful Souvenir Cottage, a franchise that sells Yellowstone-branded clothing and paraphernalia.

It's exactly this attitude Dubrowsey cites as reason for exploring Old Faithful's options. "Look, it's been a good long run here at Yellowstone, but one look around at the worn wooden walkways and these dilapidated rocks tells you that it might be time to take up residence in a new market."

Dubrowsey cites the recent example of Miami University moving to Ohio as evidence that mobility can be a good thing. "Who knows, maybe tomorrow a Philly cheese sandwich could be a Tucson cheese sandwich?"

The U.S. National Park Service has not yet commented on the prospective move, but is expected to oppose any relocation. Rangers are stationed throughout the park to prevent any such attempt under cover of night.

Customer manages to irritate automated self-checkout register


MARIETTA, GA - A customer at BigBox Foods has succeeded in frustrating the self-checkout machine to the point of outburst.

The customer, known only by the name Henry, sparred verbally with the Semi Attended Customer Activated Terminal (SACAT) over every aspect of the checkout process. Henry had brought his own bags and insisted on keeping them in the bagging area while retrieving individual items to scan them. Repeated reminders from the SACAT that items must remain in a cart or basket before scanning drew only argument from Henry.

The pair squabbled over coupons, payment methods, card swipe location and intensity, scanning aptitude, economic policy and portion sizes for about eight minutes.

The SACAT eventually issued a string of profanities at Henry before powering down. A cashier attendant assigned to the self-checkout lane was unavailable for comment, and was presumed to have gone on extended break.

Placeholder text more interesting than proposed content

RALEIGH, NC - The approved copy for VaretoCorp's latest marketing brochure is being edged out in focus groups by the placeholder text used in the template.

By a margin of 12%, respondents preferred the tone and message of the intentionally indecipherable Latin block of words over the messaging prepared meticulously by a team of copywriters with help from the board of directors and contract engineers involved with the project, code named the Stultividus Initiative.

Marketing researchers mistakenly gave half of the focus group subjects a brochure that was meant only to test the design layout and colors, not the copy. Respondents filled out questionnaires as if they had been given the real copy. No matter which brochure they had read, all participants were equally informed on the Stultividus Initiative.

While initially dismayed with the findings, VaretoCorp plans to use the placeholder version, changing only the generic company name, logo and web address.

VaretoCorp's graphics department is now developing a social media campaign that involves appropriating viral videos of cats doing funny things, then adding a screenshot of their product.