Wednesday, January 23, 2008

When my friend becomes Evil Ruler of the Galaxy, I'm in charge of transportation

MILKY WAY - I personally have no ambition to rule the galaxy with an iron fist; there's just too much other work I need to get done. However, my friend Derek is a great candidate for Supreme Evil Overlord of the Galaxy, and in such event, he has promised to put me in charge of all transportation departments.

Derek is not evil per se, but the title inspires the necessary respect and fear among a given constituency. As such, the magnitude of his pending dominion will give my transportation proposals some traction -- no pun intended.

For starters, driving slow in the passing lane will be an offense punishable by public flogging. A second infraction may bring imprisonment or beheading, I haven't worked out the details just yet.

Gone will be traffic lights that stay red despite the presence of opposing traffic. If you are alone at a light, it shall turn green immediately!

Nevermore shall tickets of any kind be issued except by a police officer in person who also caught you in the act -- it's more sporting that way.

I've heard some of your requests for a "nudge" law for dawdling pedestrians. Frankly, that one's on rather shaky standing. We need more research. The nudge rule will apply to other situations, though, like the following:
  • A car in front of you, more than half a car length back from a light, preventing you from making a right turn.
  • A car in front of you, stopped at a light with a sign that says "NO TURN ON RED", but they have not read the disclaimer "EXCEPT ON SAT-SUN-HOLIDAYS"
  • A car in front of you, after the light has turned green, that is not moving due to phone use, conversation or general spacing out
Anyone slowing down to gawk at accidents will be compelled to pull over and help.

Construction will begin immediately on a private parkway between my home and work, with spurs to the other locations I frequent. Sure, it's a corrupt proposal, but it's an Evil Overlordship, not a democracy. Funds will be extracted forcibly from repair shops guilty of collusion in the fomentation of potholes and other hazards.

Transportation includes land, air, sea and space, so there is much more to cover. I could write a book on air travel alone with the changes I would make. Feel free to post your suggestions here; I pledge you my benevolence when the time comes.

For other planets (or as-yet unknown habitats) in the galaxy, I will appoint local transportation managers who will implement these and other policies in accordance with local custom.

I can't tell you very much about the particulars of Derek's speculative reign. I'm betting that the Prime Directive will be near the top of the new constitution. But you can count on this; when I am Deputy Evil Overlord Transportation Director of the Galaxy, there will be some changes.
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