Message from parallel universe: "Stop sending socks"

MULTIVERSE LOCAL 434S - A transmission from an alternate reality heretofore unknown to science implored our current civilization to curtail the transportation of socks into its realm.

"We recognize the necessity to launder all of your vestments, including socks," said the message in terse and surprisingly fluid English. "But will you please find a way to clean them without, as you say, 'beaming' them to us. It seems to be a design flaw in either your washers or dryers."

Harmonic Convergence consultant and part-time pizza delivery specialist Mike Norcut received the message through the fillings in his teeth, at the house near Sedona, Arizona where his temporal body resides.

"They've got the ability to contact and visit us, but they've been real busy lately," said Norcut. "They really want us to work on the sock thing, though."

Whoop Ass now available in snack pack size

This Day in History: Pony Express "when it absolutely, positively has to be there in about a fortnight"

ST. JOSEPH, MO - The first speedy transcontinental mail service in the United States offered an economy option this day in 1861.

Pony Express -- or PonEx, as it was commonly known in the day -- launched a poster campaign with the slogan "When it absolutely, positively has to be there in about a fortnight". Mail customers who could not afford the $5.00 per half ounce standard rate could now send letters slower for a reduced rate.

A recruitment drive accompanied the ad campaign, seeking riders outside the service's usual "young, skinny, wiry fellows, not over 18". Older, paunchier riders briefly delivered mail alongside, if a little behind, the regular riders for the journey between St. Joseph, Missouri and Sacramento, California.

Unfortunately, the advent of the transcontinental telegraph sealed the fate of PonEx within the year.

Bully not so big from outer space

BLOOMINGBURG - Fourth grade bully Tommy Wrennik is the "big man on campus" on the playground, but disappears altogether when viewed at the global scale.

Classmate Miles Gertner, a frequent target for Wrennick's taunting, pointed out the humbling fact during a reallocation of his lunch money.

"Shut up, dweeb," said Wrennick, wholly unaware of the taser-wielding police officer behind him.

I'M NOT YELLING, I JUST TYPE THIS WAY

GARRISONVILLE - HEY, HOW'S IT GOING? I GOT TO THINKING ABOUT YOUR RESPONSE TO MY LAST FEW MESSAGES, AND I'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT YOU'RE JUDGING ME TOO QUICKLY.

SURE, I CAN SEE THAT MANY NEWBIES ON THE WEB ARE NOT WELL VERSED IN THE SUBTLETIES OF INTERNET ETIQUETTE, AS IT WERE. THAT'S NO REASON TO LUMP ME IN WITH THEM - I SIMPLY PREFER TYPING LIKE THIS.

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I NEVER GOT A HANDLE ON THE COMPLEX RULES OF CAPITALIZATION. WHILE I RECOGNIZE THAT IT'S ODD, GIVEN MY NEAR MASTERY OF PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR, IT'S NOT SO DIFFERENT FROM A VISIONARY LIKE E.E. CUMMINGS WHO USED ONLY LOWER CASE.

COME TO THINK OF IT, YOU DON'T GO AROUND SAYING E.E. CUMMINGS WAS WHISPERING ALL THE TIME, DO YOU?

WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, PLEASE REFRAIN FROM CRITICIZING THE MANNER IN WHICH I USE MY MOBILE PHONE IN PUBLIC PLACES. NOT ONLY IS IT IMPORTANT THAT THE PERSON ON THE OTHER END HEAR MY VOICE, BUT I FEEL IT IS VITAL TO CONVEY THE GRAVITY OF MY CONVERSATION TO BYSTANDERS.

THANKS AND REGARDS,
BUD VARNER
SALES DEPARTMENT

When my friend becomes Evil Ruler of the Galaxy, I'm in charge of transportation

MILKY WAY - I personally have no ambition to rule the galaxy with an iron fist; there's just too much other work I need to get done. However, my friend Derek is a great candidate for Supreme Evil Overlord of the Galaxy, and in such event, he has promised to put me in charge of all transportation departments.

Derek is not evil per se, but the title inspires the necessary respect and fear among a given constituency. As such, the magnitude of his pending dominion will give my transportation proposals some traction -- no pun intended.

For starters, driving slow in the passing lane will be an offense punishable by public flogging. A second infraction may bring imprisonment or beheading, I haven't worked out the details just yet.

Gone will be traffic lights that stay red despite the presence of opposing traffic. If you are alone at a light, it shall turn green immediately!

Nevermore shall tickets of any kind be issued except by a police officer in person who also caught you in the act -- it's more sporting that way.

I've heard some of your requests for a "nudge" law for dawdling pedestrians. Frankly, that one's on rather shaky standing. We need more research. The nudge rule will apply to other situations, though, like the following:

• A car in front of you, more than half a car length back from a light, preventing you from making a right turn.
• A car in front of you, stopped at a light with a sign that says "NO TURN ON RED", but they have not read the disclaimer "EXCEPT ON SAT-SUN-HOLIDAYS"
• A car in front of you, after the light has turned green, that is not moving due to phone use, conversation or general spacing out

Anyone slowing down to gawk at accidents will be compelled to pull over and help.

Construction will begin immediately on a private parkway between my home and work, with spurs to the other locations I frequent. Sure, it's a corrupt proposal, but it's an Evil Overlordship, not a democracy. Funds will be extracted forcibly from repair shops guilty of collusion in the fomentation of potholes and other hazards.

Transportation includes land, air, sea and space, so there is much more to cover. I could write a book on air travel alone with the changes I would make. Feel free to post your suggestions here; I pledge you my benevolence when the time comes.

For other planets (or as-yet unknown habitats) in the galaxy, I will appoint local transportation managers who will implement these and other policies in accordance with local custom.

I can't tell you very much about the particulars of Derek's speculative reign. I'm betting that the Prime Directive will be near the top of the new constitution. But you can count on this; when I am Deputy Evil Overlord Transportation Director of the Galaxy, there will be some changes.

Album of the Day - R.E.M., "Munster"

It's officially "Nucular" now

WASHINGTON DC - The grouping of protons and neutrons at the center of every atom has been renamed "nuculus" in favor of its harder-to-pronounce former name "nucleus".

This in turn transforms the tongue-twisting adjective "nuclear" into the more speech-friendly "nucular". The change affects all senses of the word, including atomic energy, cellular biology and core family structure.

"Everyone's saying it that ways anyhow," said a U.S. Representative who would not disclose a name. "This law just up and done the peoples' will."

The change occurred as part of an appropriations bill over two years ago, and was not discovered until someone actually read the text.

The awkward plural form "nuclei" has also been simplified to "nuculuses".

HOW TO: Render a 1970 VW bus engine useless

[Part 1 in a series of about 38 ways to deprive yourself of transportation]

Step 1: Scan some books on how timing works. Ignore most of it, but zero in on a section that mentions how some sage mechanics can do it "by feel".

Step 2: Forget any admonitions you may have encountered. These will not propel you towards your goal.

Step 3: Adjust the timing wheel by hand. Timing lights are for nerds. Listen carefully as if you have a sixth sense with these things.

Step 4: Clean up (optional).

Step 5: Get in the bus and drive it at least 30 miles laden with all your music equipment (assuming you have a gig and that you are a musician).

Step 6: Step 5 was a trick entry, because at mile 22 on a steep climb the engine will make its last pathetic gasp.

Step 7: Have your drummer, who was following you in his 1980 Corolla, drive you to the next town and call a tow truck.

Step 8: Remember that you are a musician. You cannot afford a tow truck. Or repairs.

Step 9: Leave the bus, take the equipment and any contraband you may have lying about the vehicle.

Step 10: Ask around at the gig if anybody's got a AAA card.

Only steps 1 through 5 are really necessary to destroy the engine. True, there are other ways, but this one is road tested.

Found peanut begins infernal voyage

CLEMENTOWN - A youngster who encountered and ate a stray peanut on his way home got more than he bargained for... a journey through the afterlife and the underworld.

10-year-old Timmy LeGume spotted the peanut during his daily commute from Clementown Elementary. Accounts differ over when he actually found the nut, but according to family members he definitely cracked it open and ate it last evening.

"It was rotten, but I just couldn't stop myself," said LeGume, who then suffered an acute stomach ache.

"We called the doctor right away," said Timmy's mother, Shelly Cashieux. "I got the voicemail, so we called 911 and they said give him some Tum's or something."

Ms. Cashieux ignored the operator's advice and took Timmy directly to the Emergency Room. After some heated discussion, the attending physician agreed to give Timmy some penicillin. That did not work, and in fact caused a severe allergic reaction prompting open-stomach surgery.

Little Timmy fared no better in the operation, and lost vital signs. According to his medical records, he was clinically dead for only seven minutes. Timmy, however, recounts an altogether different experience.

"I saw a bright light, you know, all that stuff," said LeGume. "Got to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter said, 'Son, we're all full up. Sorry.' So I took an escalator to the basement, if you know what I mean."

"I get to the hockey stick place, and they tell me I don't meet their current requirements. I tell them, dude, I'm only ten, but they're all like, 'Hey, we don't make the rules, write your congressional representative,' whatever."

LeGume reportedly woke up with no ill effects from the evening's events, as if it had never happened. Asked if he would ever eat a peanut off the ground again, he smiled and asked, "Where'd you find it?"

"A Whole Bunch" of high school students can't do percentages

SOME TOWN - At this high school not too far away, there's a big chunk of the students who find themselves unable to calculate basic percentages.

Estimates range from "a good many" to "a heap" and "probably most of them," said third-year freshman Lonnie Miles. "It's hard to say without solid numbers."

The local school board published the numbers in the newspaper. Miles points out, though, that they are "encoded in all these hydroglyphics," referring to the % symbol that pervades the statistics.

NASA: Previously unseen side of Mercury also covered with craters

OUTER SPACE - In a flyby of planet Mercury, MESSENGER spacecraft took some pictures that established definitively the existence of craters we could only postulate before.

"We've known for quite some time now that most of the surface is pocked with craters," said amateur spaceologist and sandwich artist Blake Blealey.

"Now we have photographic proof that there are craters on the other side, too. That's our tax dollars at work. I wonder if we'll find out whether the other side of the sun is bright."

Blealey then returned to his job, oblivious to numerous innovations in his daily life spawned by the space program, such as fire-resistant materials, smoke detectors and the padding in his shoes.

New congestion zone planned

SPRAWLING OAKS – Sorghum County’s newest Sports- Shopping- Residence- Traffic-Stoppage Center will break new ground in suburban congestion.

The Sorghum RoadRage Arena will become a magnet for a host of regional visitors seeking to dull their painful existence with diversions such as minor league sports, dining, shopping and futile attempts to traverse a half mile of highway.

The 390-acre development sits on the west side of the four lane divided Impediment Parkway near the intersection of Standstill Memorial Highway and the Interstate.

“You’re gonna have retail space, restaurants, about a thousand people living here, and hey, what’s this… a ballgame too?” said Earnest Morningdale, the developer who stands to collect all his fees and leave town before opening. “It’s a slam dunk, to borrow a baseball term.”

The "Rage" as marketing consultants hope to influence people to nickname it, will be the new home of the White Elephants, a minor league team from Bristol where a similar scenario played out in 1991, before which they were the Flint White Elephants.

"They brought us in from Flint, built us a stadium, didn't nobody come to the games after a while," said Elephants manager Tug Mitchell. "We look forward to having an Applebee's so close to the dugout."

County commissioners wanted to conduct a feasibility and impact study to weigh the possible consequences of building a major attraction so close to three busy highways, the western hemisphere’s largest collection of strip malls, four large shopping centers and the Mall of Pavement.

“I was able to demonstrate that there were just too danged many trees over there,” said Morningdale. “Never mind the traffic. You build it, they will come.”

“They seemed to like that, plus the additional tax revenue the county will get after they’ve recouped the money they spent to bring the Elephants here.”

Ted McGinley to join Fox Business Network

Veteran TV actor and series turnaround expert Ted McGinley will join the cast of Fox Business Network next week to bolster disappointing viewership of the fledgling network.

Chairman Roger Ailes said that he would not settle for “anything short of a revolution” in its quest to overturn CNBC as the premier business news channel. So far, Fox has garnered an average of about 6,000 viewers on a given weekday.

“And that’s where Ted comes in,” according to an anonymous informant. “His pioneering work in such television institutions as ‘The Love Boat,’ ‘Happy Days’ and ‘Vernonica’s Closet’ will bring just the shot in the arm we need to seal the fate of this venture. I mean secure the fate.”

Network executives considered several options in addition to McGinley, including adding an adopted child, getting into a caper on vacation in Hawaii, letting some of the lead characters direct, and doing a musical episode.

Online Poll: Most qualified 2008 candidate is you

YOUR COMPUTER - In a recent poll taken online today, you matched your own values more closely than any other candidate.

You were referring to numerous online polls that take potential voters through a series of issues, rank priorities and show the presidential candidate that best matches.

"I took the quiz eight times, and it kept coming up me," you said. "I know the odds are slim given that most of the nation hasn't heard of me. But I haven't ruled out running."

"On every single issue -- the economy, the Iraq War, Social Security, Sunday liquor sales, speed limits in my neighborhood and health care -- no one else came closer than me on my core values."

"Well, there was something about reform where Dennis Kucinich agrees with me more, but I'm a definite Me supporter."

"I'm waiting to see what happens in the next 45 primaries before making a decision," said you the voter. You the candidate expressed concern that if you did run, you'd run out of money some time during the Iowa caucuses, which already happened.

Ed Sullivan Vineyards presents Topo Grigiot

Unable to jam, area band writes and plays songs

PINE OAKS - Local rock band Horseface, a new addition to the burgeoning suburban Pine Oaks scene, are reasonably talented on their respective instruments. However, they lack the ability to wail on for hours on the same groove.

The band therefore resorts to writing and performing "songs about stuff," as lead singer Jeremy Eamaux puts it. “We never learned how to stretch a few chord changes into a 20-minute thing."

“It just seemed like all we could do was squeeze three or four minutes out of an idea, with verses, choruses and sometimes a bridge,” added bassist Chad Ripley. "We tried jamming, but couldn't resist the urge to put a beginning and an end on things."

Eamaux reports that the band's focus on concise, structured material has hampered their efforts at securing live gigs. "Plus, we don't smoke dope."

Wrong name dropped at party

MIDTOWN - Although he was unaware of it at the time, Rick from Sales picked the absolute worst name to check while talking to Karen from Accounting.

Things were going very well at the annual company party, and Rick didn't even have too much to drink. He claims merely to have given some shout-outs to a few people who had helped him put together some proposals over the last few months.

Whether innocent banter or calculated innuendo, Rick's list of names turned Karen's face pale. She then left the party and did not return to work for three business days.

Speculation ran rampant throughout the company as to the identity of the offending name, but sources have not confirmed it as yet. Pundits near the coffee machine offered several candidates, including a service representative who may have been romantically linked to Karen.

At press time, neither Karen nor Rick responded to requests for interviews.

Friday night now also alright for fighting

LONDON - Sir Elton John has issued an edict extending the appropriateness of fighting on Saturday night to include Friday night.

"Sometimes, when it's seven o'clock and you want to rock, it's just too soon in the week," said Sir John. "We decided to do something about it. Get a little more action in. Belly full of beer, that sort of thing."

Songwriting partner Bernie Taupin added that they will not be changing the song.

"Blokes will have to suss that out on their own."

Aspriring band won't compromise values, wasn't asked to

SIX MILE - A scene familiar in garages across the nation played out yet again for high school band Afflyxion, as the powers that be neglected to ask them to change.

"If they came to us and said, 'You've got to get a new look and do all this stuff different than you're doing it,' we would totally not do that. That would truly be selling out," said drummer Creswell Bamfers, AKA "Crash Bam".

Over the course of numerous meetings, the band has identified and affirmed a set of principles they will never violate. The principles presumably refer to record industry professionals, who have thus far remained wholly unaware of Afflyxion.

"Our core sound is hip-hop funky metal on the ska tip. We've got our sweet look, which as you can see is featured on Rock And Roll Confidential," said lead singer "J-Duck", Jeremy Duckers. "And if they ever come to me saying, 'We want you if you'll ditch the rest of the band,' I'll tell them where to go."

Band meetings continue next week to determine the proper hair style and stance for Afflyxion's photo shoot at the rail yard. The four members are expected to negotiate several hours over whether to remain stationary or walk menacingly toward the camera.

Neighbor has new HDTV, apparently watches only C-SPAN

MARLANNISVILLE - That guy across the street recently purchased an LCD or plasma TV, according to sources next door. However, he does not seem to take advantage of what must be an extensive array of channels in High Definition.

Passersby voiced concern that the man in his early 30s seems to watch an inordinate amount of C-SPAN, a government access channel that reports on "Washington stuff", said one source.

"Doesn't he know there are free movies? If he's got the right cable box, they've even got HD programming," said Everett Milbor, a neighbor two doors down who spends a fair amount of time in his and adjacent front yards removing weeds.

An ad hoc committee formed to discuss approaching the neighbor, whose name escapes the participants. If they can figure out a way to learn his name without giving away their motives, they plan to invite themselves to some kind of social gathering.

"If we had a housewarming for him, we could get more information on why he's watching so much C-SPAN, and maybe get him to venture out a bit," said Milbor. "Problem with the plan is, none of us can remember how long he's lived there."

Dinner guests really do like casserole; just had a big lunch, is all

BRUSSEL PLAINS - A couple over for dinner did in fact enjoy the casserole, but were so stuffed from a late lunch that they could not possibly get in another bite.

What they meant to say was a big lunch. Well, it was a late lunch too, wouldn't the visiting woman's husband say? About two or two thirty.

Yes, the couple had missed breakfast and got caught in traffic coming back from the airport. Then they didn't have time to eat until much later. Hence the skimpy appetites come dinner time. Is that the loveliest flower arrangement or what.

That's funny, the hosts had thought the couple was going to the mall earlier today. Yes, yes, that's right, gosh, the husband of the couple gets days confused sometimes. The airport was yesterday.

Anyway the point is, the casserole was simply delicious. Does the host have the recipe? Was that eggplant and parmesan? Perhaps the couple could take a to-go plate so they can enjoy it tomorrow as well.

Burglar monetizes residence

EAST CULPEPPER - A forward-thinking property redistribution efficiency expert converted several resources from the home of a non-participating partner late Thursday night.

"He stole my stuff, is what he did," said resource provider Randy Dawkins, age 41, apparently unhappy with the paradigm shift in his property.

"I managed the oversight of Mr. Dawkins' material goods into liquid funds," said Kayden Pfeiffer, on his way to the Ace Pawn Shop on Durrets Street. "These otherwise idle assets - a DVD player, HD television, an old laptop - these were just begging to be cross-ownershipped and monetized."

Pfeiffer recently completed a course on corporate buzzwords as a condition of his parole.

"Synergy proactive Web 2.0 visionary leverage empowerment," he added.

Escher-Sketch

What is a haiku?

what is a haiku?

Japanese form of poem

kinda looks like this

Man believes Rapture is coming, keeps his 401k

NARTHEX, TN - Earl Coler believes that the world will end soon, and that he and fellow believers will be swept up into heaven while heathens left behind will face judgment. He's hanging on to his retirement plan, though.

"Yeah, I don't see a point in just giving it all up, even though I can't take it with me when the end times come," said Coler, a 58-year old employee of the county's water department.

"It may come tomorrow and we'll all be drawn up to the glory... the saved ones, I mean. But what if it's not for ten years? I'd be stuck in a lurch then."

Co-worker Ellen McClugh suggested that Coler bequeath his worldly investments to the unsaved masses still around when the apocalypse comes. "We'd all be believers if that happens, so we'll need your money to start proselytizing. 'Cause otherwise the evil banks will get all your money and it's the ol' stamp on the forehead for us."

Coler reports that he has considered McClugh's advice, and ruled in favor of an add-on to his patio when he retires in a few years.

"I'm a true believer, but you can't be too careful."

Rising tide lifts all boats, inundates pedestrians

Anti-evolution decal depicts natural selection

COLORADO SPRINGS - A fervent creationist has applied to his car a bumper decal that borrows from the ideology he is attempting to refute.

In a scene alluding to conditions that produce competition between organisms for survival and reproduction, the decal depicts a fish labeled "Truth" devouring a hybrid Darwin reptile-fish.

The Truth fish is a descendant of the "Jesus" fish, which continues to thrive in various forms on bumpers across the nation. The bumper ecosystem also supports a wide variety of other decals, such as the Buddha fish, the UFO fish and the Flying Spaghetti Monster fish.

Idaho enters space race with Spudnik

I don't hate you, I just want you out of my way.

Thanks to Violent Acres for the ongoing catchphrase contest.

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