Happy Birthday Carl Friedrich Gauss!

U.S. Dollar fires manager

WASHINGTON D.C. - The bill once known as the "King of Currency" has fired its longtime manager in hopes of reviving a troubled career.

The U.S. Dollar announced Monday that it was severing relations with the management guru known as "The Fed" after disappointing performances in four consecutive decades.

"We just don't see things eye to eye," said a haggard Dollar after an economic forum. "I need new backing to compete with this new Euro kid on the block."

Dollar's value has been trending down the last few years in the international currency market, not least because fewer countries use it as a reserve currency. Competition from other currencies like the euro and the Chinese yuan has driven the dollar to look harder for gigs, and waning interest led to lower confidence in overseas economies. The combination of these stresses led to the rift between Dollar and Fed.

Pound Sterling, a close friend of Dollar's for many years, does not think the once mighty standard will fare well in this new landscape. "The charts don't lie. Dollar's not going to like being 'just another currency' in the global market. It's going to take some adjustment, stay uncrumpled, that sort of thing."

Dollar put its best face forward at a press conference following the forum. "I may be folding money, but I never fold."

Rescheduled curling tournament now canceled

LAKE SUNNYVALE, OR - A pro-am curling competition originally slated for January has now been canceled altogether, according to the event organizer Ben Slidee.

"We ran up against an experimental ice hole fishing tournament the same weekend," said Slidee. "But we couldn't find a way to line up the lanes so they wouldn't send the stones on a likely path down the holes."

Slidee and the other planners settled on the last weekend in April, which was the earliest time slot unencumbered by other events at Lake Sunnyvale.

"Turns out I know about as much about seasons as I do curling," said tournament founder Slidee, who has competed all three years and has yet to make the finals. "Next year, if the timing's right, and if one of those other four teams backs out, we've got a shot at getting in the bracket."

Curling, a sport more popular in colder climates and known by many as "chess on ice", depends very much on a solid sheet of ice for reliable play.

Spellcheck virus deletes most of Internet

SAN FRANCISCO - A fast-moving virus that targets misspelled words has deleted a majority of all the written content published on the World Wide Web, according to IT expert Kirk Tiesley.

"It hit blogs and forums the hardest," said Tiesley, who has studied the virus and is working towards a patch. "It has an advanced algorithm that sifts through pages, ignoring names and colloquialisms. If more than two words in common usage are spelled incorrectly, it deletes the whole entry."

The virus, identified as W32.spellcheck.doom, works by comparing web pages to lists of commonly misspelled words (including "misspelled"). After it deletes all connected text, it seeks out the author's work elsewhere and replicates to the host sites.

"Spellcheck.doom is actually rather lenient in terms of computer viruses," said Tiesley. "It spots you two strikes, so you could get by with a typo like 'recieve' and a mulligan like 'calender'. But it's absolutely savaging social networking sites and any forum that allows anonymous comments."

Tiesley's network security company, Securitrode, expects to offer a patch later this week. Until then, he advises writers to utilize the spell checker software available in most word processors.

UPDATE: Massive particle collider smashes subatomic particles, finds creamy nougat center

GENEVA - A stunning yet accidental result from an experiment on the Large Hadron Collider has revealed the nature of one subatomic particle as a creamy nougat center.

"A research assistant was surfing the Internet at his station, and he clicked on a link that offered 'hot proton-on-proton action'," said Giles Naughton, lead hadronologist. "We were still setting up the experiment, and he unknowingly switched on the collider. Nobody was hurt, but he's been docked a week's pay, and we do have this rather pleasant surprise."

Nougat is a confection made of sugar or honey and usually some kind of nut, in this case pistachio. Its presence at the heart of a proton, however, was completely unexpected. Pending further research, the particle has been nicknamed the Nougaton.

"While it answers one question, it only raises others," said Naughton. "We know now that the proton is comprised of creamy nougat, and that in turn that nougat is comprised of sugar and pistachios, but are those the same form of sugar and pistachios with which we are familiar? Is there some sort of smaller particle that forms nougat molecules?"

Massive particle collider to be tested with peanut butter, chocolate

GENEVA - The Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Switzerland is in the final stages of construction, cooling down to an operational temperature of about 2 degrees Kelvin. Before physicists begin their research on the elusive Higgs boson particle, they will make a test run using peanut butter and chocolate.

"We know what outcome to expect from this experiment, so it will confirm that the equipment is working," said Alice Reese, the lead scientist on the test. "If it does not come out according to our predictions, we know we'll have some adjusting to do."

The team considered several combinations of substances to collide before settling on peanut butter and chocolate. "Oil and vinegar, cats and dogs, rock music and flutes - none of them produced a predictable outcome in our offline models," said Reese.

The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) will be the largest and highest-energy particle accelerator when it begins full operations in June 2008. Critics warn that the collider could produce disastrous doomsday scenarios in which micro black holes or strangelets destroy the universe and everything in it, including Earth.

Reese is skeptical of those claims. "Let's wait and see how the peanut butter thing goes first."

Biofuels nothing new, says farting cow

Recycling hurts useless crap industry

GATLINBURG - Members of the Bauble Manufacturer's Association, or "Big Useless Crap" met this weekend to confront the most serious challenge facing their industry, recycling.

Makers of trinkets, baubles, tchotchkes, doodads, knickknacks, cheap knockoffs and other products notable for their worthlessness or disposability are protesting the rising influence of recyclable materials.

"The propagation of higher-quality plastics and metals will put undue stress on companies that produce things that looked great on TV or at the checkout counter, but fizzled on or before first use," said Sal Damons, spokesperson for BMA. "Reprocessing of old materials has at its heart the prevention of waste, and that is counter to all we represent. Our worry is that there will be reduced availability of new materials dug out of the ground."

To illustrate his point, Damons cites the economics of recycling. "If you have some leftover stuff, and I pay you for it, that's a resource. If you have to pay me to take it away, that's garbage. We put the slogan on a key fob."

"Left Alone" series chronicles life after Rapture people disappear

LAS VEGAS - A new series of novels depicts the world after a pre-tribulation rapture, in which righteous evangelical believers are swept from the planet and "secular awesomeness" prevails.

"It's religious fan fiction from the other perspective," said author Tyler Janky. "Most times, the story is told from the point of view of the pious. What about us five-odd billion heathens?"

The story centers around ordinary citizen Scott Bonner and his family who are waiting for lunch in a restaurant when a car crashes outside. They go outside to investigate and find that one car has a bumper sticker indicating that "In the event of Rapture, this car will be unoccupied."

Thus begins an unraveling of the sudden disappearance of thousands of people in Centerville, some of whom Bonner knew casually at work.

The Bonners notice immediately that traffic has improved. Sunday alcohol sales are soon allowed in all states. NPR and sports events are the only things left on AM radio.

The series goes on to explore other impacts of the event, such as the married gay couple moving in next door to the Bonners and raising property values. Movies and television change visibly with alleviation of puritanical attitudes. In one chapter, a bare breast is accidentally broadcast on live television. The FCC and networks prepare for a backlash that never comes.

Janky admits to not having read the "End Times" novels that inspired his work, but he calls that fact irrelevant. "I just went about it asking what would actually happen if all the 'Rapture crowd' simply vanished."

Raccoons pass on eggplant casserole

Slush Hockey season off to tepid start

LUKEWARM SPRINGS - The already short window for slush hockey season has been truncated by unexpectedly pleasant weather.

Players who depend on the unstable conditions between winter and summer were disappointed with this year's rapid thaw.

"Ideally, we'd have a few weeks of overcast and wind, at least enough to keep the slush on the ground," said Joe Sebleton, captain of the Lukewarm Springs Mush. "We'd get through a tournament of nine teams, with a beer tasting after each game."

Sebleton concedes that the league will have to make do with the beer tastings alone until Lawn Mower Derby Days in May.

Death Star gunner fired for missing planet

Ridicule sign of insecurity, says guy in goofy shirt

Smoker proud of biodegradable butts in yard

EMPHYSEMOPOLIS - Cigarette aficionado Wayne Kennerly is doing his part for future generations by depositing only biodegradable butts in his front yard.

"I used to smoke Brynner 100's, but I found out those had fiberglass in the filter," said Kennerly. "These Taos Vortex Naturals are totally cotton. Except for the tobacco part."

Kennerly plans to leave the burnt stumps of his cigarettes out until they break down from exposure to the elements, which may well happen during his lifetime.

"It doesn't say that on the label, but that's because they can't make claims like that legally. I heard it from a buddy who knows the distributor," explained Kennerly. "Besides, if those big companies are putting fiberglass in their cigarettes, who knows what else? I'm not putting that in my body."

Hunter describes self as "results-oriented bird watcher"

Molar eclipse stuns observers

Source of neck pain located

Flyover country missed

Tech support hell welcomes Cuba

HAVANA - Following removal of restrictions on personal technology, Cubans now look forward to languishing in the same virtual queues that so many of their regional neighbors enjoy.

Cuba's new president Raúl Castro recently lifted a ban on DVD players, computers, microwave ovens and cell phones. Soon will follow numerous exhausting and sometimes futile calls to manufacturers' tech support centers.

The communist island nation south of the eastern U.S. in the Gulf of Mexico has undergone great cultural and economic change since the fall of the Soviet Union in 1991, and former president Fidel Castro's resignation on February 19 suggests a continuation of that trend.

Cuban citizens may now wait alongside the rest of the world to decipher DVD remotes, configure address books, update operating systems and sort out billing disputes. Tech support centers from Omaha to Bangalore have extended a friendly hand to a brand new passel of customers whose calls are important to them.

Gullibility Analysis Workshop $399 this week only

PENSACOLA - For a limited time, JankyPower is offering a reduced-price workshop to help you assess your gullibility factor, or RGI (Raw Gullibility Index^®).

For $399 USD, you get an in-depth analysis of the habits and behaviors that govern your propensity to fall for scams, schemes and frauds. Never again become victim to snake oil hucksters who promise you the sky, but deliver only financial ruin.

Part 1 begins Saturday at 11:00 AM, where a series of questionnaires evaluates your thresholds and tolerance for hoodwinkery. We will break for lunch at noon, returning for the Part 2 session; participants from Part 1 will receive a discount on subsequent sessions. Parking is validated with the Platinum Package.

Parts 2 and 3 go in-depth, employing patented Gullibitron Technology to measure skin response to situations that may compromise your financial decision-making integrity. Video recording of your expression when asked for money will help us determine your bracket for sessions 4 through 7.

Personal coaching is available for an additional fee, and will tremendously enhance your understanding of RGI.

Seats are limited, so call now! This offer is only available to the first ten callers in the next half hour: 1-888-JP-QUEST

Mystery Machine recalled; wrong kind of caper

ROCKY POINT BEACH - The crime-solving band of teens known collectively as "Mystery, Inc." has withdrawn from the scene of a reported caper, finding the culprit to be merely a jar of the pickled buds of a perennial spiny shrub.

Fred Jones, Daphne Blake, Velma Dinkley, Norville "Shaggy" Rogers and their talking dog Scooby-Doo responded to the call while en route to a rock festival. The Mystery Machine (the company van) had broken down, and they happened upon an abandoned beach house where a radioactive, glowing skeleton reputedly frightened away visitors.

After agreeing to investigate, the team split up to gather more information. Jones and Blake remained in the van to discuss strategy. Dinkley searched the house. Despite some outlandish hallucinations appearing to Rogers and the dog, the team found nothing out of the ordinary - only a jar of capers in a kitchen cabinet.

"We fully expected to discover a local official behind all this," said Jones. "Turns out it's just the off-season."

"It's, like, anticlimactic," said Rogers. "We didn't even find the sort of delicious treats that make you want lick your whole face."

Meatamucil. Protein with a Push.

Sales rep spends 27 of 40 minutes wrapping up call

PORTLAND - Northwest region sales rep Rick Bolton spent nearly three-fourths of a 40-minute phone call attempting to draw it to a close Monday.

"Uh-huh. Is that right? Well I guess it is. Anyway," said Bolton, varying the tone of his voice to signal the denouement of a ten-minute conversation that warranted only about 45 seconds.

"So you got the document," said Bolton, "and Myers told me it's a done deal. Yeah. Good as gold."

He then fielded a second round of questions on the compression, formatting and delivery of the document. Not until the eighteenth minute did Bolton think to employ a diversionary tactic.

"Yeah, Dan, I really should have mentioned that to you sooner. I'm gonna try and get this earlier flight back to Phoenix, and they need to see my boarding pass," said Bolton. "Man, they won't look at you if you've got a phone on your ear, you know?"

Bolton briefly contemplated playing the "lousy reception" card, but Senior VP Dan Pralind had been with him at the same airport, and would immediately sense deception. He then fell upon a spark of wisdom and invoked the "dying battery" defense.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I do have my charger, but it's in my checked baggage," said Bolton, relieved that he might soon cut short the mind-numbingly dull banter. "No, I don't usually check baggage, but I had so many brochures with me this time, and wouldn't you know it, I brought my parka. Who knew it would be so nice?"

Despite the establishment of a dead-battery exit strategy, Bolton lingered on in a conversation with Pralind that covered basketball, the presidential race, married life, Thai food, hair bands and the 'leave Britney alone' guy. Bolton accepts partial responsibility for leading the call "back out to sea" a couple of times, accounting for perhaps 10 to 15 minutes worth.

The final eight minutes of the call, Bolton spoke only the following words in numerous combinations: alright, okay, yeah, mm-hmm, right, uh-huh, got it, and see you tomorrow.

It's dangle. Berries don't dingle.

http://www.cafepress.com/jankyvision.251307155

Left-handed couple turns adopted child left-handed

TOPEKA - A left-handed couple that was allowed to adopt a child of indeterminate dexterity has "turned it into a leftie", according to reports from social workers.

The three-year-old boy had not yet begun reading or writing, but observers say he previously favored his right hand in some tasks, like throwing a ball.

Critics accuse the adoptive parents of fostering a "left-friendly environment" in their household, leading to the boy's abandonment of what might have been his natural dominant hand. Case footage shows the boy using mostly his left hand to color with crayons.

"The fact that his new parents are both left-handed, then he ends up left-handed, tells me something is very fishy here," said Louis Droiter, organizer of the Ex-Southpaw Movement. "You want to tell me that out of a scant 10 per cent of the population, this child just happens to be 'wrong-handed'?"

There is no evidence from reputable scientific journals that living with left-handed parents will coerce or otherwise influence a child to take on their preference, but Droiter disagrees vehemently.

"They flaunt it every day in front of that innocent child, writing letters with their arms arched over the top of the paper. They use left-handed scissors, upside down guitars, custom computer mouses and Dvorak keyboards. Sometimes they'll put cabinet doors on the other way. I know because I was once one of them, and I'm here to call them out."

Dexterity expert Ralph Esquerda at Sinistra University dismisses Droiter's claims as utter nonsense. "I doubt these parents could make the child eat broccoli if he didn't like it. Left-handedness is another facet of the rich and beautiful human experience, and furthermore I don't believe Dvorak keyboards have anything to do with it."

Penguin secret agent only breaks into facilities built on pack ice

Motorist reports unsafe driver with mobile phone

Advanced candle for busy professionals burns four ends

Available as a mug at the JankyVision Store

Infant Implicated in Juicing Scandal

ELMO, MT - Parents of 8-month-old Citronella Shreda announced that she was in fact one of the parties named in a sealed document to be released Friday. The document presents the findings of a months-long inquest into growth- and performance-enhancing substances provided to small children by their parents, relatives and child care providers.

Shreda faced minutes of grueling questioning in the hearing, but refused to provide a single answer. Her parents have also declined comment, only saying through a prepared statement that they "want what's best" for their daughter.

The family has set up a legal defense fund, with which they hope to provide a better future for Citronella.

Transformers prequel in development

OPTIMUS WOODS - Producers unaffiliated with DreamWorks have begun development on a prequel to the 2007 live-action movie, "Transformers", titled simply "Transformer".

The film will contain none of the characters, premises or story lines of the original, but instead will center around a take on another fictional disguised robot in larval form.

"It's the story of this cute little transformer's journey to become a real boy," said executive producer Deesep Dikon from his office in Bangalore. "Except he becomes a huge city-killing robot in the process. I must work on the details, as I have yet to see the original movie or series."

Dikon has not yet secured funding for the project, and is seeking clearances to begin. In the meantime, T-shirts may be purchased at the JankyVision Store.

Huh huhh... you said "Escher"