Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Numerous historic disasters attributed to incompetent time traveler


TWIN PINES - Time traveler Ollie Capper was supposed to go back and prevent some of the world's worst disasters. Instead, those events now exist because of him.

Recently discovered notes from the site of the Hindenburg explosion explain how Capper, an agent from some undetermined time in the future, was supposed to disarm a bomb aboard the German dirigible in 1936. Instead, he wore rubber shoes and a wool sweater that apparently built up a static charge and caused the ignition of the hydrogen aboard the doomed craft.

At Ford's Theater in April 1965, Capper was assigned to find John Wilkes Booth and divert him from assassinating President Lincoln. He did recognize Booth, but got flustered and asked for an autograph, allowing Booth to go forward with his plot.

Case workers at the Chronological Transit Authority (which does not yet exist yet) were not available for comment, but a fortune teller retained by local police has provided some insight. Not all incidents caused by Capper are known to investigators at present time, but the list of suspect incidents is growing:

  • The City of Atlantis was to have received an evacuation notice in time to avoid sinking the entire civilization, but Capper sent it as an e-mail. 
  • Capper had an opportunity to prevent the sinking of the RMS Titanic in 1912. He brought along copies of several movies and documentaries to detail the impending collision with the iceberg, and to his credit, a DVD player. However, he had not brought the proper power adapter for the ship's electrical system and the DVD player's region was set incorrectly.
  • Having apparently learned from his Titanic experience, Capper came to the Stock Market Crash of 1929 prepared to mitigate the damage. Instead of DVDs, he brought news clippings, charts and statistics that showed the dangers of excessive speculation. This prompted top investors to flee the market in a panic, accelerating the very event he was sent to prevent.
Among the scant evidence we have today for Capper's activities is a notebook full of charts and descriptions of how he would stop history's greatest disasters.

"They had a time machine ready," said futurologist Munson Pallor, "and they sent this bozo. Must have been a fast talker. We honestly can't think of a sane reason they would have hired him, except to keep the past intact."

Not much is known of Capper's fate, but Pallor believes he may have been one of numerous time travelers who attempted to assassinate Adolf Hitler from the 1920s through the 1930s. 

"From what we can tell, he didn't speak German, so that's a hitch from the start."

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