Monday, January 2, 2017

Laxative energy drink wreaks havoc at festival


BOUSE, AZ - Concertgoers at the 2017 Coacharoo Music Festival got a nasty surprise when a mistaken shipment of Red Bull Milk of Magnesia ended up at concession stands.

The carbonated beverage, laced with stimulants and laxatives, is not an official Red Bull product and was pulled as soon as the error was brought to the attention of festival organizers. That was too late for the several thousand festival attendees who had chugged cans of it down, then beseiged the suddenly too-few porta potties.

"It was an incontinent mob," said witness Ruby McTierney. "The portable toilets were completely devastated, and the throngs of people who couldn't get to them started a wave of filth that radiated outward."

Hazmat teams rushed to the area and cleaned up the premises along with about 3,000 soiled festival guests. A concessions supplier called LulzBev was identified as the source of the drinks, and removed from all public events that they serviced. The remaining cans were confiscated and taken to an unnamed overstock retailer for further study.

Representatives at Red Bull were prompt to announce that they were in no way associated with the counterfeit drinks, but a few consumers asked if Milk of Magnesia might be a real brand in the future.
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