Bad for you this week: Tomatoes

WASHINGTON, DC - Due to a recent outbreak of salmonella contamination, tomatoes are being recalled nationwide. This makes it the latest in a long string of food products that have taken center stage as temporarily or permanently unsafe for various reasons.

Past participants include eggs, beef, spinach, saccharin, broccoli, cranberries, apples, beef, Olestra, chicken, milk, chili, peanut butter, green onions, orange juice, bean sprouts, strawberries, ice cream, vichyssoise and pet food, among others.

The tomato is a vine-grown plant that may be a fruit, vegetable or berry of some kind. Science has yet to reach a consensus on the matter, but that has no bearing on the fact that it is off-limits for now.

Mentos truck crashes into Diet Coke bottling plant

UPDATE: Mars Rover stripped in bad section of crater

VICTORIA CRATER, MARS - Four years into its journey to explore the surface of Mars, NASA's Mars Exploration Rover has been stripped of all six wheels. An earlier story about recent upgrades may have brought unwanted attention to the expensive vehicle.

Despite having an onboard camera, the Rover did not capture an image of the culprits. The scene of the crime was Colfax Escarpment, known to astronomers as the "sketchy part" of Victoria Crater.

"We believe they worked as a team, because they got those wheels off fast," said lead Rover brake specialist Doug Prinimay. "But we have no clue as to who 'they' might be."

The Rover team had some disagreement over whether to install an alarm system or a set of chrome rims, which won funding.

The team plans to continue exploring the area immediately surrounding the Rover.

New bin Laden mix tape inexplicably omits Sugarhill Gang

LANGLEY, VA - A new, as yet unauthenticated mix tape from Osama bin Laden purports to be a definitive collection of "old skool hip-hop", yet fails to mention one of its most influential groups, The Sugarhill Gang.

CIA analysts are hesitant to verify that the tape is genuine, but they were quick to point out this glaring gap in authenticity.

"I'll hand it to him, this is a decent compilation," said a senior analyst using the code name 'Breakbeat'. "Grandmaster Flash, Kool Moe Dee, Fab 5 Freddy... he's even got some Slick Rick and Run-D.M.C. on here. But how could you not include Sugarhill's 'Eighth Wonder' or 'Rapper's Delight'? That just boggles the imagination."

A number of old school rappers declined comment, saying through a spokesperson only that they denounce any association with terrorism.

Breakbeat believes every bit of information coming in helps with the search for bin Laden. "He keeps slipping up like that, we're going to catch him."

Mystery Machine recalled; wrong kind of caper

ROCKY POINT BEACH - The crime-solving band of teens known collectively as "Mystery, Inc." has withdrawn from the scene of a reported caper, finding the culprit to be merely a jar of the pickled buds of a perennial spiny shrub.

Fred Jones, Daphne Blake, Velma Dinkley, Norville "Shaggy" Rogers and their talking dog Scooby-Doo responded to the call while en route to a rock festival. The Mystery Machine (the company van) had broken down, and they happened upon an abandoned beach house where a radioactive, glowing skeleton reputedly frightened away visitors.

After agreeing to investigate, the team split up to gather more information. Jones and Blake remained in the van to discuss strategy. Dinkley searched the house. Despite some outlandish hallucinations appearing to Rogers and the dog, the team found nothing out of the ordinary - only a jar of capers in a kitchen cabinet.

"We fully expected to discover a local official behind all this," said Jones. "Turns out it's just the off-season."

"It's, like, anticlimactic," said Rogers. "We didn't even find the sort of delicious treats that make you want lick your whole face."

Building collapse under control

Russian race horse loose in asparagus patch

Jabba the Hutt captures Lincoln

To our deeply paranoid readers: They know

Kwanzaa Stolen, Grinch held for questioning