Maker of Silent Dog Bell investigated for fraud

YORKSHIRE - The manufacturer of a pet item sold as "Silent Dog Bell" is under investigation for possible fraudulent advertising.

"It's silent, alright, because it doesn't make any sound," said case worker Stu Drummond. "It seems to be just a regular hand bell with the clapper taken out."

Cozenine Products, which sells the Silent Dog Bell, calls it a novelty toy and says there is no misrepresentation.

"We say it right there on the package, 'silent', and that's what it is," said company defense attorney Bill Therm. "Cozenine makes no claim that the product attracts or repels dogs. This is a frivolous suit."

Drummond disagrees. "They do call it a bell, though, which has some specific mechanical and possibly legal requirements," he said. "If you're going to sell something as a bell, it had right well better ring."

Cozenine has settled out of court in the past for other allegedly fraudulent products such as the Snipe Hunting Rattle, the Egg Peeler and Sasquatch Repellent Spray.

Grocery enforces zero tolerance policy in express lane

AUSTERIA - A major discount grocery chain has implemented a zero-tolerance policy in its express lanes, according to a company spokesperson.

"If you get in the express lane with more than ten items, you can expect some enhanced punitive actions, and quickly," said Buzz Murtock, director of Customer Experience Enforcement for JankyFood International.

"Decent, rule-abiding customers have endured this without recourse for decades. We're just giving them what they want and deserve."

Violators are restrained for their safety and held in a temporary "comfort space" while awaiting further reprimand from the on-duty manager.

Murtock refused to answer questions on the constitutional legality of express lane detainments. "We'll let the free market work that out."

"Grab My Junk" swamped with non-garbage calls

HACKENSACK - The proprietor of local trash pickup service "Grab My Junk" is having difficulty reaching his customer base, but cannot figure out why.

"I don't know how much more straightforward we can be," said owner Tom Bagley. "We come to you and pick up your junk. Whenever the ads run, though, we get flooded with the strangest calls, mostly hangups."

Bannock Advertising executive Barry Twigsen is puzzled as well. "I can see where we could have an anomaly in one medium or another, but this is across the board," said Twigsen. "Cable TV, magazine, newspaper, outdoor and online have all given us the same result. Thousands of inquiries and almost zero conversions to trash removal service calls."

Sagging sales have prompted Bagley to tighten the coin purse and look for alternative ways to bounce back. "Some callers have certainly provided suggestions, and we now know that we have great name recognition. I think we just need to cobble together some money for the new ad campaign. We've got to get the message through."

Bagley said that the next round of ads will be even more direct, featuring him on camera in a garbage collector's outfit. An upbeat dance track jingle will accompany Bagley singing the company tag line.

Part-time zombie not invited to apocalypse

ROMERO, PA - Wally Newburgh sat out the most recent zombie uprising because he is only a temp.

"When you call up of vast armies of the undead to consume the brains of the living, you want commitment," said Zombie Union local president Nick Richards. "Plus, we've got liability factors to consider."

Union bylaws specify that only full-time zombies are covered in official activities. Newburgh said that he briefly considered going out on his own, but he wants to keep things on the level.

"I want to do this by the book. A simple vote could take care of the bylaw requirement," said Newburgh, who moonlights as a zombie in addition to his job as a tech support specialist. "There's no reason they couldn't work out some kind of supplemental coverage."

Richards said that the steering committee would take the matter under advisement for the next planning session in July, but stopped short of any pledge to hold a vote on the rules.

Procrastinatorium funding delayed

LAYLOWE - The groundbreaking ceremony for the world's first Procrastinatorium has been pushed back once again, due to a holdup in securing the financing for construction.

Founder Perry Lagtemps issued a statement Friday, May 24 confirming his intention to apply for building permits by February 2007.

"Advance membership has not reached levels we'd like to see to proceed," said Lagtemps. "We will reevaluate the situation as soon as conveniently possible."

The Laylowe Procrastinatorium will be a center for advanced study of idleness and "constructive sloth" once completed. A draft press release dated July 1995 describes the pending complex as a "marvel of modern technique in the [something that implies the grandeur of the antithesis of overworking]".

Conference attendee lays down all the cards

Recycling hurts useless crap industry

GATLINBURG - Members of the Bauble Manufacturer's Association, or "Big Useless Crap" met this weekend to confront the most serious challenge facing their industry, recycling.

Makers of trinkets, baubles, tchotchkes, doodads, knickknacks, cheap knockoffs and other products notable for their worthlessness or disposability are protesting the rising influence of recyclable materials.

"The propagation of higher-quality plastics and metals will put undue stress on companies that produce things that looked great on TV or at the checkout counter, but fizzled on or before first use," said Sal Damons, spokesperson for BMA. "Reprocessing of old materials has at its heart the prevention of waste, and that is counter to all we represent. Our worry is that there will be reduced availability of new materials dug out of the ground."

To illustrate his point, Damons cites the economics of recycling. "If you have some leftover stuff, and I pay you for it, that's a resource. If you have to pay me to take it away, that's garbage. We put the slogan on a key fob."

Death Star gunner fired for missing planet

Sales rep spends 27 of 40 minutes wrapping up call

PORTLAND - Northwest region sales rep Rick Bolton spent nearly three-fourths of a 40-minute phone call attempting to draw it to a close Monday.

"Uh-huh. Is that right? Well I guess it is. Anyway," said Bolton, varying the tone of his voice to signal the denouement of a ten-minute conversation that warranted only about 45 seconds.

"So you got the document," said Bolton, "and Myers told me it's a done deal. Yeah. Good as gold."

He then fielded a second round of questions on the compression, formatting and delivery of the document. Not until the eighteenth minute did Bolton think to employ a diversionary tactic.

"Yeah, Dan, I really should have mentioned that to you sooner. I'm gonna try and get this earlier flight back to Phoenix, and they need to see my boarding pass," said Bolton. "Man, they won't look at you if you've got a phone on your ear, you know?"

Bolton briefly contemplated playing the "lousy reception" card, but Senior VP Dan Pralind had been with him at the same airport, and would immediately sense deception. He then fell upon a spark of wisdom and invoked the "dying battery" defense.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I do have my charger, but it's in my checked baggage," said Bolton, relieved that he might soon cut short the mind-numbingly dull banter. "No, I don't usually check baggage, but I had so many brochures with me this time, and wouldn't you know it, I brought my parka. Who knew it would be so nice?"

Despite the establishment of a dead-battery exit strategy, Bolton lingered on in a conversation with Pralind that covered basketball, the presidential race, married life, Thai food, hair bands and the 'leave Britney alone' guy. Bolton accepts partial responsibility for leading the call "back out to sea" a couple of times, accounting for perhaps 10 to 15 minutes worth.

The final eight minutes of the call, Bolton spoke only the following words in numerous combinations: alright, okay, yeah, mm-hmm, right, uh-huh, got it, and see you tomorrow.

Advanced candle for busy professionals burns four ends

Available as a mug at the JankyVision Store

Business relationship enters plain old paper clip phase

MAKIAVILLE - The working relationship between contacts at two partnering companies has reached the point at which fancy paper clips are no longer warranted.

Janice Falstow, account executive for J-Corp Industries, decided Wednesday that her printed proposals to incumbent client Walter Nessbar were just fine with ordinary paper clips. Although it did not play a direct role in her deliberations, Nessbar's status as "landed" had a subtle influence.

"Those curly clips come from Italy, and they're expensive," said Falstow. She would not address the issue of whether that meant they were to be used only for wooing new clients. "Walter's probably got plenty of them now."

Helium mistakenly sold by weight

Booze Training Bra blocked by FDA

WASHINGTON, DC - Producers of a knockoff of the sensational new "Booze Bra" faced a setback for their proposed garment, the Booze Training Bra.

The original Booze Bra conceals 25 ounces of liquid in a polyurethane bladder and has an attached tube for drinking. The Booze Training Bra is unlicensed by the original manufacturer and by most accounts a shoddy imitation.

"It's quite clear this product is intended for underage customers, and as such it will not be allowed on the market," said Bev Flagon of the Flagon Derivatives Association, or FDA, not to be confused with the U.S. Food & Drug Administration that uses the same acronym. At press time, it was unclear how Flagon intends to prevent sale of the bra.

"You could put water or apple juice in there just as easily as beer or wine," said the producer of the Booze Training Bra, who agreed to be interviewed on condition of anonymity. "The fact that the product has 'booze' in the title is purely coincidental, and does not reflect any intent on our part to promote illegal or unsafe behavior."

East region posts defiant Q3 numbers

Oil dips below $100 with new "Fun Size" barrels

NEW YORK - Forecasters predict that regular-sized barrels of light sweet crude oil will likely continue above $100 through 2008, but big producers have introduced a new $40 "fun size" barrel to create the perception of cheaper oil.

"It worked for candy bars and burgers, why not commodities?" said oil speculator Earl Shale. "People get used to paying a little less for a lot less."

The new barrels will not reduce prices at the pump, where gas is still sold in the U.S. by the gallon.

"You never know, though," said Shale. "Folks might like the idea of paying a buck for a liter. It's all packaging."

Failed musician now also failed blogger

MEDIOCRE HEIGHTS - A once-promising composer who steered clear of success has brought a similar lukewarm fervor to the world of online journalism.

"I wouldn't call it failure," said the sporadic author, who commented on condition of anonymity. "It's more like delayed, ongoing, incremental accomplishment." The unidentified blog and blogger are to be found "on the Internet somewhere" he said.

"I'm just delivering pizza until the concept album is done," The erstwhile musician and now blogger adds. "Most of these posts are to test page tracking while I get the real stuff together."

The author's previous experience with online publishing involved a solitary page that read "Check back soon for updates" from April 1997 through June 2002.

This Day in History: Pony Express "when it absolutely, positively has to be there in about a fortnight"

ST. JOSEPH, MO - The first speedy transcontinental mail service in the United States offered an economy option this day in 1861.

Pony Express -- or PonEx, as it was commonly known in the day -- launched a poster campaign with the slogan "When it absolutely, positively has to be there in about a fortnight". Mail customers who could not afford the $5.00 per half ounce standard rate could now send letters slower for a reduced rate.

A recruitment drive accompanied the ad campaign, seeking riders outside the service's usual "young, skinny, wiry fellows, not over 18". Older, paunchier riders briefly delivered mail alongside, if a little behind, the regular riders for the journey between St. Joseph, Missouri and Sacramento, California.

Unfortunately, the advent of the transcontinental telegraph sealed the fate of PonEx within the year.

Wrong name dropped at party

MIDTOWN - Although he was unaware of it at the time, Rick from Sales picked the absolute worst name to check while talking to Karen from Accounting.

Things were going very well at the annual company party, and Rick didn't even have too much to drink. He claims merely to have given some shout-outs to a few people who had helped him put together some proposals over the last few months.

Whether innocent banter or calculated innuendo, Rick's list of names turned Karen's face pale. She then left the party and did not return to work for three business days.

Speculation ran rampant throughout the company as to the identity of the offending name, but sources have not confirmed it as yet. Pundits near the coffee machine offered several candidates, including a service representative who may have been romantically linked to Karen.

At press time, neither Karen nor Rick responded to requests for interviews.

Burglar monetizes residence

EAST CULPEPPER - A forward-thinking property redistribution efficiency expert converted several resources from the home of a non-participating partner late Thursday night.

"He stole my stuff, is what he did," said resource provider Randy Dawkins, age 41, apparently unhappy with the paradigm shift in his property.

"I managed the oversight of Mr. Dawkins' material goods into liquid funds," said Kayden Pfeiffer, on his way to the Ace Pawn Shop on Durrets Street. "These otherwise idle assets - a DVD player, HD television, an old laptop - these were just begging to be cross-ownershipped and monetized."

Pfeiffer recently completed a course on corporate buzzwords as a condition of his parole.

"Synergy proactive Web 2.0 visionary leverage empowerment," he added.