High speed chase ends well

LOS ANGELES - The high-speed pursuit of an alleged armed robber ended without incident today when the suspect pulled over.

"He finally realized that he was pretty well finished, as far as escape was concerned," said arresting officer J.T. Nunshak. "He signaled that he was prepared to surrender and we assented to that request."

"The driver of the vehicle ended what could have easily been a calamitous media spectacle by slowing down and stopping on an uncrowded side street. He climbed from the vehicle calmly and proceeded slowly to the nearest squad car with his hands clasped behind his head. We didn't even have to ask."

Back at the precinct house, officers investigating the robbery discussed the day's events with the suspect over coffee. "Decaf, naturally," said Nunshak. "We don't want to aggravate what is already a stressful situation. Imagine what this guy must be going through, what with the chase and all."

The suspect, who was not named and is presumed innocent until proven guilty in a court of law, was later escorted to a county facility away from the glare of news cameras.

Serendeputy solves cases sketching crime scenes

SAGACITAW - A rookie on the Sagacitaw police force has caught dozens of criminals unintentionally, simply by applying his powers of observation. Serendeputy Al Fleming sketches crime scenes after the initial police work is done, and usually provides leads that others missed.

Sheriff Lou Galvan of Sagacit County created the position of serendeputy after a string of unsolved cases began to weigh on the community. "I knew this fellow Al had a way of finding things other people were looking for, although he wasn't necessarily looking for them himself," said Galvan. "I thought we'd put him to work for the public good."

Fleming had been working on the town square as a street artist, drawing passersby for spare change. He would point out inconsistencies in people's stories based on small details in their appearance, if only for the purposes of getting the drawing right.

"For a mechanic, your husband has very soft hands," Fleming said on one occasion when Sheriff Galvan was standing nearby. Fleming had revealed lies of several persons on the same day, and Galvan offered him a job.

"He'll look around the room, start drawing, and then ask some little thing about the scene," said Galvan. "He may point out the fact that the blood spatters go one direction, which the crime scene unit found already, but then he'll sketch a bit and ask why the door isn't open like it was when the sun was on the opposite wall, leading us to find that it had been open and that was why the spatter went in that direction, because of the wind, and within twenty minutes we've got a suspect."

The Sheriff has considered providing Fleming with conventional police training, but in his words "that might mess up a good thing."

Scrapbooker shanks rival with pinking shears

BROOK CREEK - A heated rivalry between scrapbooking organizations turned violent over the weekend, leaving one "scrapper" critically injured.

Betty "Rizzo" Riznovchiuk sustained life-threatening injuries from a pair of plastic pinking shears. Witnesses say a member of Riznovchiuk's former scrapbooking circle, the Cosa Scraptrucha (or CS-13) stabbed her over a disagreement about lignin-free paper.

Pinking shears are scissors with sawtooth blades, which leave a zigzag pattern on cloth or paper.

Riznovchiuk's current organization, the Brook Creek Scrappers, declined comment, but have doubled security at their compound.

Local law enforcement said that there is no cause for alarm, and no clear link between the rise in the popularity of scrapbooking and violence. Currently one in three U.S. homes has someone involved in scrapbooking activity, and the amount of money behind it has more than doubled in the last six years to over $2.5 billion.