Bluetooth now comes in patch form

PALLIAT - A glimmer of hope has now come to hundreds of thousands of chronic Bluetooth headset users who wish to quit. The new Bluetooth Patch offers headset users a small transdermal dose of Bluetooth as they slowly increase the amount of time not wearing the headset.

"I couldn't have done it without the patch," said Sandra Fingale, founder of SoluProv International, an international provider of solutions. "We're a solutions provider on an international front, and that means I've got to be connected 24-7-365."

Bluetooth Patch inventor Benoit Saider said that Fingale exhibits classic symptoms of Bluetooth addiction. "She will wear the headset in the bed, on the elevator, on the train through tunnels - even when there is no one calling and no possible way to get a signal."

The Patch delivers Bluetooth through the skin along with the comforting physical contact similar to a headset, while slowly weaning the addict off of the actual earpiece.

Bluetooth marketing materials do not give any statistics for the success rate of the Patch, but anecdotal accounts estimate the relapse rate at about 80%. The number one reason for starting up the headset again is discovery of a missed call.

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Memory loss linked to something

RALEIGH-DALTON - A study published in a prominent magazine made a conclusive link between memory loss and something that starts with "m", or rhymes with a recent movie, possibly both.

The culprit may be diet-related, or lurking in your office as you read this. Several morning news programs probably discussed the findings in detail, but reports are incomplete as of press time.

A steady decrease in capacity for forming new memories, or recalling old ones, was the likely finding in the study. It was conducted by a leading expert in the field of memory at an accredited university on the eastern seaboard, some place with a port, but not on the ocean.

Further information will hopefully be published soon on Wikipedia, in a form that can be easily searched in general terms.

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Controversial drug not harmful, says company that sells it

ISCHEMATOWN - The company that makes billions of dollars from the sale of a controversial drug contend that it is safe for customers to continue buying it.

The drug from Pferck Laboratories has been the target of a hail of class-action lawsuits, but is "no cause for concern," said Nathan Therm, an attorney retained by the company to say so.

"There has been some statistical suggestion – suggestion – that Necropsifloxib is less safe than aspirin or placebo," said Therm. "but there also evidence showing it is less fatal than cyanide tablets in a double-blind clinical trial."

Necropsifloxib, in various phases under the brand names Rigortin, Mortox and Euthanesta, was marketed as a treatment for osteoarthritis, peptic ulcers, acne vulgaris and hangnail.