Economists to keep predicting recession until they get one

ST LOUIS - Prominent economists will continue issuing warnings that we may be headed for a recession until it comes to pass, according to prominent economist Robert Hornby.

"It's basically a 50-50 chance; it could happen or not happen," said Hornby. "We'll just keep calling it until it happens, and then we'll be hailed as soothsayers."

"This recent bout of stability is no indicator of future events, especially with all the past instability in the housing market that could flare up again."

Hornby believes it is too soon to tell if the economy has turned a corner. "There's just so much unpredictability. House and gas prices could go up, but then again they could fall. It's so hard to tell."

Hornby explained that the financial crisis is indelibly tied to the economy, as is the labor market and credit rates.

"The only way to be seen getting it right is to stand by our forecast. It will become true; it's just a matter of time."

U.S. Dollar fires manager

WASHINGTON D.C. - The bill once known as the "King of Currency" has fired its longtime manager in hopes of reviving a troubled career.

The U.S. Dollar announced Monday that it was severing relations with the management guru known as "The Fed" after disappointing performances in four consecutive decades.

"We just don't see things eye to eye," said a haggard Dollar after an economic forum. "I need new backing to compete with this new Euro kid on the block."

Dollar's value has been trending down the last few years in the international currency market, not least because fewer countries use it as a reserve currency. Competition from other currencies like the euro and the Chinese yuan has driven the dollar to look harder for gigs, and waning interest led to lower confidence in overseas economies. The combination of these stresses led to the rift between Dollar and Fed.

Pound Sterling, a close friend of Dollar's for many years, does not think the once mighty standard will fare well in this new landscape. "The charts don't lie. Dollar's not going to like being 'just another currency' in the global market. It's going to take some adjustment, stay uncrumpled, that sort of thing."

Dollar put its best face forward at a press conference following the forum. "I may be folding money, but I never fold."

Mother-in-law doesn't understand why you don't buy generic

HENNEPEC - What with the rising cost of everything, your mother-in-law just doesn't see why you would buy anything name brand.

It's exactly the same thing in a different box, according to that nice man on the Today show. Perhaps if you saved a little money on groceries, you could afford that GameBox thing that you spend all your time playing instead of looking for a better job.

If you would read the labels, you would see that there is no appreciable difference. Then you could start putting some savings away for your mother-in-law's grandchildren's college fund. Hey, there's an idea, maybe you could start by making some grandchildren. And feed them generic food, too.

Your mother-in-law does not mean to pry, she's just saying. What could it hurt? And since we're on the subject of saving, did you have to get the most expensive car out there? What is it with these youngsters today and the sunroof? Your wife's father, God rest his soul, was perfectly happy for forty years with his Dodge. No sunroof. AM radio. It still drives like the day he got it.

So it was a name brand car. That is beside your mother-in-law's point. If there had been a store brand car, he would have gotten that. Oh, fine, fine, walk away. Walk away like you do from any difficult situation. One day you'll see.

Redesigned $5 bill features authentication key

WASHINGTON - The redesigned five-dollar bill debuts today, with new features that will help combat counterfeiting.

Some measures are not publicized, but one is hard to miss - a certificate of authenticity and product authentication key right across the front of the bill.

President Abraham Lincoln still graces the front of the note, and next to his portrait is a holographic decal that end users must register online to validate the currency.

The U.S. Treasury Department is rolling out a new program called "Genuine Dollar Advantage" with this launch. On the back of the bills is a reminder that asks, "Is my money real?" and a link to http://www.ustreas.gov/genuine. The online validation will help end users determine if their money is fake.

The old fives will remain in circulation, but must be upgraded by February 2009 or they will cease to work.