Fish never sleep, cranky all the time

PACIFIC OCEAN - Researchers have determined that fish are irritable because they never get any sleep.

"We put a few groupers, carp and barracudas in our sleep lab, and they were positively grumpy," said SomaDat sleep laboratory director Parris Komol. "It was impossible for us to even establish a control group. None of them ever slept."

Cautioning that correlation is not causation, Komol nevertheless concluded that fish would have much better tempers if they would "just get some shut eye once in a while."

Dogs poop. I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

Honk if you're spawning

Mosquito journalist embedded in windshield

Hunter describes self as "results-oriented bird watcher"

Nature documentary soundtrack a little suggestive

ATTENBOROUGH, IOWA - The music accompanying the mating ritual scene of a documentary film on water buffalo crossed the boundary of good taste, according to one horrified viewer.

"I'm all for the creatures of the world doing what comes naturally, but for goodness sake, why must it be sensationalized this way?" asked Martha Greuenholz, a retired librarian from Attenborough Middle School. "Those two beasts may as well have been on the MTV, the way that sinful music was goading them along."

Ms. Greuenholz found the euro-flavored synth soundtrack of "Survival on the Savanna" too racy for the subject matter, and has told several of her colleagues so. Belgian composer and performer Franh Liobena differs with her account, although he is not at all eager to confront the charges.

"This Martha, she is scholar in matters of music? I suppose also she is expert in the adult film industry," said Liobena, hissing into a demitasse.

Greuenholz denies allegations that she is acquainted with such media. "It's just the kind of thing you're exposed to these days, right there on television for everyone to see. I don't have to buy a pay-per-view to know what's out there."

Loafer bees vital to cultural development of hive

APIARISTON - Workers, drones and queens are widely known for the tasks of gathering, production and continuity that perpetuate the highly eusocial bee civilization.

The casual observer may not know, however, that many of the bee's intellectual advances came from the little-known loafer bee, a kind of outcast in the traditional division of hive labor. The much-maligned loafer gets almost no attention, because it seeks none of the credit for a hive's commercial output. It does, however, deserve accolades for more subtle contributions.

For example, it was a loafer bee that first fermented honey into mead. "The workers and drones spend all week making honey and keeping the hive warm, stuff like that," said self-styled beeologist Orin Dearey. "It took a forward-thinking bee, somebody off the clock to try something new."

A loafer bee probably came up with the idea of pollinating hemp, Dearey believes. "It's not regarded as a honey-producing plant, but it has lots of uses bees don't usually consider. They could probably make stronger, greener hives with it."

Although we cannot hear it, Dearey contends that bees make music, and the loafer bee is the composer, arranger and conductor. "If they ever take up hacky-sack, you can bet it's going to be the loafer bee leading the way."

4 Easy Steps for Confronting a Mountain Lion