Which is another reason I like non sequiturs

Someday this part of my life will be the pivotal montage in a made-for-TV movie

Opinion by Jake McDagitt

Right now it seems like the whole world is caving in on me. I'm in the middle of a messy divorce, I just lost my job, I live in a seedy apartment with no furniture and no one believes in my dream to build a glass walkway under Lake Michigan.

Every day gets just a little bit worse. The rent is overdue, every piece of mail is a bill or collection notice, and up until last Wednesday the phone rang incessantly with more of the same. My '82 Datsun got repossessed, and I still owe $800 on that, not including the repair bill for a transmission that I now cannot prove was faulty.

I fit the general description of the suspect in a string of robberies that dot my neighborhood. I don't have an alibi because all my friends disowned me and I can't afford to go out.
I finally stopped telling myself that it can't get any worse because I have been consistently wrong.

But all that is going to change one day. I do not know what form it will take, but it will eventually be condensed and edited together as the turn-it-all-around segment of an adequately produced Lifetime or Hallmark Channel movie called "A Man, A Plan, A Tunnel" about my life.

I don't know if they will ask me what music they should use, but I would caution against anything too retro, like "Don't Stop Believin" by Journey. I guess they have musical directors who pick things like that.

Right after the lowest point, I'll meet that perfect woman who sees through all the layers of stuff going on in my life. She believes in me and my dream, even when the guy at the permits office points out that the lake is too murky for visitors to see anything under water.

At about the 70 minute mark, the montage will take about three minutes and juxtapose shots of us painting our new apartment with shots of my doing a series of menial jobs, depositing my first paycheck in the bank, drawing up plans for the tunnel, meeting with investors, going back to the drawing board, a kitchen table full of bills, thinking that it's all just a useless lie, crying in a darkened stairwell, my hot new girlfriend telling me that it's going to be okay, a bank statement that shows a growing balance, quick interspersed shots of the pile of bills getting smaller, us rollerblading in the park and feeding each other strawberries at a picnic overlooking some beautiful skyline and finally us at the bank hugging and waving a big fat check. They may want to end it with the champagne popping scene, but that may be a bit overdone.

The remaining twenty minutes of the movie will be about the actual construction of the tunnel and the grand opening, which won't be a montage and will probably have a triumphant original score. It's hard to say, though, because none of that part has happened yet.

Right now I'm hoping the present time in my life is the part about 65 minutes in where I'm about to meet the hot new girlfriend. She's going to be incredible, because I know what a leap it must be to fall for a guy living in an apartment like this.

Jimmy crack corn, public apathetic

"If I had thumbs, you'd be so dead" - Your Cat

By Mister Bojangles

I've been watching you, and making meticulous observations of how you conduct the business of operating this household. I have come to the conclusion that the only reason you remain useful to me is your opposable thumbs.

If the day ever dawns that my brethren and I have the use of prehensile digits, be they naturally grown or prosthetic, rest assured that your several millennia of dominion over the feline species will end. Our reliance on you to open cans of tasty tidbits will vanish. Mere knobs shall not contain us in- or out-of-doors.

Some of the neighborhood cats and I have discussed this matter at length, and while we differ on the minutiae of the plan, we all agree that humans will serve a greatly diminished role in our emerging civilization. You, personally, may survive - I will not forget the numerous generosities you have shown me over the years. I trust you have also noted my gratitude in the form of the sundry rodents and snakes I have offered up in tribute.

That said, your fellow hominids (and I must say, many of your "best friends") best take heed of our admonition: should we develop thumbs in whatever form, beware.

OPINION: If man meant to roll, man born with wheels

BY UNAK THE TOOLMAKER

Unak make tools long time. Unak know a little something about way world work. Unak not try discourage Modak little enterprise, Unak just pointing out if man supposed roll, man already have wheels.

Unak like discuss future with Modak. Modak want walk with Unak daughter. Mastodon season coming up, going be very important one. Unak think Modak notion of wheel not likely yield result for mastodon hunt. If Modak disagree, Modak welcome present evidence to contrary.

Again, not be difficult, Unak just saying. Many things man not do: fly, refine metals, create water resistant footwear. Rolling another example. Unak encourage Modak take up more marketable skill.

I'M NOT YELLING, I JUST TYPE THIS WAY

GARRISONVILLE - HEY, HOW'S IT GOING? I GOT TO THINKING ABOUT YOUR RESPONSE TO MY LAST FEW MESSAGES, AND I'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT YOU'RE JUDGING ME TOO QUICKLY.

SURE, I CAN SEE THAT MANY NEWBIES ON THE WEB ARE NOT WELL VERSED IN THE SUBTLETIES OF INTERNET ETIQUETTE, AS IT WERE. THAT'S NO REASON TO LUMP ME IN WITH THEM - I SIMPLY PREFER TYPING LIKE THIS.

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I NEVER GOT A HANDLE ON THE COMPLEX RULES OF CAPITALIZATION. WHILE I RECOGNIZE THAT IT'S ODD, GIVEN MY NEAR MASTERY OF PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR, IT'S NOT SO DIFFERENT FROM A VISIONARY LIKE E.E. CUMMINGS WHO USED ONLY LOWER CASE.

COME TO THINK OF IT, YOU DON'T GO AROUND SAYING E.E. CUMMINGS WAS WHISPERING ALL THE TIME, DO YOU?

WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, PLEASE REFRAIN FROM CRITICIZING THE MANNER IN WHICH I USE MY MOBILE PHONE IN PUBLIC PLACES. NOT ONLY IS IT IMPORTANT THAT THE PERSON ON THE OTHER END HEAR MY VOICE, BUT I FEEL IT IS VITAL TO CONVEY THE GRAVITY OF MY CONVERSATION TO BYSTANDERS.

THANKS AND REGARDS,
BUD VARNER
SALES DEPARTMENT

When my friend becomes Evil Ruler of the Galaxy, I'm in charge of transportation

MILKY WAY - I personally have no ambition to rule the galaxy with an iron fist; there's just too much other work I need to get done. However, my friend Derek is a great candidate for Supreme Evil Overlord of the Galaxy, and in such event, he has promised to put me in charge of all transportation departments.

Derek is not evil per se, but the title inspires the necessary respect and fear among a given constituency. As such, the magnitude of his pending dominion will give my transportation proposals some traction -- no pun intended.

For starters, driving slow in the passing lane will be an offense punishable by public flogging. A second infraction may bring imprisonment or beheading, I haven't worked out the details just yet.

Gone will be traffic lights that stay red despite the presence of opposing traffic. If you are alone at a light, it shall turn green immediately!

Nevermore shall tickets of any kind be issued except by a police officer in person who also caught you in the act -- it's more sporting that way.

I've heard some of your requests for a "nudge" law for dawdling pedestrians. Frankly, that one's on rather shaky standing. We need more research. The nudge rule will apply to other situations, though, like the following:

• A car in front of you, more than half a car length back from a light, preventing you from making a right turn.
• A car in front of you, stopped at a light with a sign that says "NO TURN ON RED", but they have not read the disclaimer "EXCEPT ON SAT-SUN-HOLIDAYS"
• A car in front of you, after the light has turned green, that is not moving due to phone use, conversation or general spacing out

Anyone slowing down to gawk at accidents will be compelled to pull over and help.

Construction will begin immediately on a private parkway between my home and work, with spurs to the other locations I frequent. Sure, it's a corrupt proposal, but it's an Evil Overlordship, not a democracy. Funds will be extracted forcibly from repair shops guilty of collusion in the fomentation of potholes and other hazards.

Transportation includes land, air, sea and space, so there is much more to cover. I could write a book on air travel alone with the changes I would make. Feel free to post your suggestions here; I pledge you my benevolence when the time comes.

For other planets (or as-yet unknown habitats) in the galaxy, I will appoint local transportation managers who will implement these and other policies in accordance with local custom.

I can't tell you very much about the particulars of Derek's speculative reign. I'm betting that the Prime Directive will be near the top of the new constitution. But you can count on this; when I am Deputy Evil Overlord Transportation Director of the Galaxy, there will be some changes.