White House to pre-discredit all future employees

WASHINGTON, DC - After the release of former press secretary Scott McClellan's embarrassing and accusatory memoir What Happened, the White House announced today that it will sully in advance the credibility of staffers, advisers and anyone who could write a book about their experience.

"Given the potential for any employee here to do damage to the administration, we're just being proactive in destroying whatever believability they might have," said current press secretary Dana Perino. "Especially if they're going to reveal things that actually happened."

Perino and the rest of the White House staff were stuck in response mode after McClellan's book was released on June 2, 2008. At the time, Perino endeavored to paint McClellan as an angry miscreant. "Scott, we now know, is disgruntled about his experience at the White House. We are puzzled. It is sad. This is not the Scott we knew."

"That won't happen again," said Perino in a later press gaggle. She detailed a process that will amass a folder of dirt on each person working in and for the White House. "Anybody says the wrong word, we bury them... and quickly."

Other White House personnel were unavailable for comment.

Roommate abandons popcorn vigil

REDENBACH - Apartment 410 resident Tom Marks fell through on his pledge to monitor the progress of a bag of microwave popcorn, according to witnesses.

Marks' roommate and microwave owner Phil Henrikson had warned him that ten minutes was "way, way too long" to heat the popcorn.

"It says on the bag not to cook it for more than five minutes," said Henrikson, "and that you should never leave it unattended."

Marks has weathered dissatisfying popcorn experiences in the past, and had hoped to optimize popping by leaving it in uninterrupted.

"If you stop to put more time on, it loses its momentum," said Marks. "You have to keep a critical mass going." Unfortunately, due to a pivotal scene in the movie that was playing, Marks left his post and did not return until the smell of smoke alerted him.

Henrikson plans to recoup the cost of his ruined microwave oven and non-microwave safe dish from Marks, a total of almost $30.

Marks plans to move out of the apartment unannounced early Tuesday, leaving Henrikson with the lease.

May 25, 1977: Ambassador to Alderaan updates résumé

"Zimbabwe Presidential Showdown" picked up for second season

HARARE, Zimabwe - Despite a slight decline in ratings, the reality show "Zimbabwe's Presidential Showdown" will continue production through at least June.

Current president Robert Mugabe and contender Morgan Tsvangirai will go head-to-head in a June 27 runoff that promises to keep the series fresh into the summer.

Violence and accusations of fraud have characterized the entire run of the show, generating sensational headlines around the world. Producers are considering numerous changes, including finding a Simon Cowell-type character to add narrative, and renaming the series "Who Wants to Be Zimbabwe's President?"

If viewership holds up, "Showdown" may continue longer than the 2000 U.S. Presidential Showdown, which pitted contenders Al Gore and George W. Bush against each other in a ratings bonanza.

Clinton calls in Mariano Rivera

Antarctic province secedes

ANTARCTICA - North Wilkins has become the latest in a series of breakaway republics in the increasingly fragmented continent at the southern pole of our planet.

The 160-square-mile province comprised almost entirely of ice undertook what is being described as a "runaway disintegration" of its solidarity with the mainland. At the end of February, a dropping iceberg triggered the dissolution of already tenuous ties between North Wilkins and the Antarctic Federation.

"It was our Fort Sumter moment," said spokesperson Riley Pikesworth. "The shot heard 'round the bottom of the world. North Wilkins will no longer be part of this union."

Intelligence satellites confirm what we already know to be true; Wilkins has severed itself irrevocably from an alliance of several hundred years with the larger Wilkins province. Analysts warn of greater balkanization in the region.

Parent tightens toddler sanctions

SPOCKTON - One out of two parents on the Hazel Family Security Council voted to strengthen sanctions against rogue toddler Hayden, age 2.

Older brother and non-voting council member Kyle, Jr. concurred with Resolution 208, which will restrict access to cookies and television if Hayden continues to disregard the "no-touchie zone" established around the entertainment center.

Hayden's mother Dora proposed the sanctioning and may proceed unilaterally. Father Kyle, Sr. favored continuing talks and perhaps a blockade of the region, but his motion was overturned in committee.

The current action will remain in effect until such time as Hayden can "keep the milk off the cable box," said Kyle, Jr.

Measures already in place include Resolution 178, a standing time-out order for any incursion onto the bookshelves and a number of stern talkings-to for general misbehavior.

When my friend becomes Evil Ruler of the Galaxy, I'm in charge of transportation

MILKY WAY - I personally have no ambition to rule the galaxy with an iron fist; there's just too much other work I need to get done. However, my friend Derek is a great candidate for Supreme Evil Overlord of the Galaxy, and in such event, he has promised to put me in charge of all transportation departments.

Derek is not evil per se, but the title inspires the necessary respect and fear among a given constituency. As such, the magnitude of his pending dominion will give my transportation proposals some traction -- no pun intended.

For starters, driving slow in the passing lane will be an offense punishable by public flogging. A second infraction may bring imprisonment or beheading, I haven't worked out the details just yet.

Gone will be traffic lights that stay red despite the presence of opposing traffic. If you are alone at a light, it shall turn green immediately!

Nevermore shall tickets of any kind be issued except by a police officer in person who also caught you in the act -- it's more sporting that way.

I've heard some of your requests for a "nudge" law for dawdling pedestrians. Frankly, that one's on rather shaky standing. We need more research. The nudge rule will apply to other situations, though, like the following:

• A car in front of you, more than half a car length back from a light, preventing you from making a right turn.
• A car in front of you, stopped at a light with a sign that says "NO TURN ON RED", but they have not read the disclaimer "EXCEPT ON SAT-SUN-HOLIDAYS"
• A car in front of you, after the light has turned green, that is not moving due to phone use, conversation or general spacing out

Anyone slowing down to gawk at accidents will be compelled to pull over and help.

Construction will begin immediately on a private parkway between my home and work, with spurs to the other locations I frequent. Sure, it's a corrupt proposal, but it's an Evil Overlordship, not a democracy. Funds will be extracted forcibly from repair shops guilty of collusion in the fomentation of potholes and other hazards.

Transportation includes land, air, sea and space, so there is much more to cover. I could write a book on air travel alone with the changes I would make. Feel free to post your suggestions here; I pledge you my benevolence when the time comes.

For other planets (or as-yet unknown habitats) in the galaxy, I will appoint local transportation managers who will implement these and other policies in accordance with local custom.

I can't tell you very much about the particulars of Derek's speculative reign. I'm betting that the Prime Directive will be near the top of the new constitution. But you can count on this; when I am Deputy Evil Overlord Transportation Director of the Galaxy, there will be some changes.

Online Poll: Most qualified 2008 candidate is you

YOUR COMPUTER - In a recent poll taken online today, you matched your own values more closely than any other candidate.

You were referring to numerous online polls that take potential voters through a series of issues, rank priorities and show the presidential candidate that best matches.

"I took the quiz eight times, and it kept coming up me," you said. "I know the odds are slim given that most of the nation hasn't heard of me. But I haven't ruled out running."

"On every single issue -- the economy, the Iraq War, Social Security, Sunday liquor sales, speed limits in my neighborhood and health care -- no one else came closer than me on my core values."

"Well, there was something about reform where Dennis Kucinich agrees with me more, but I'm a definite Me supporter."

"I'm waiting to see what happens in the next 45 primaries before making a decision," said you the voter. You the candidate expressed concern that if you did run, you'd run out of money some time during the Iowa caucuses, which already happened.