Galaxies rotate clockwise in southern hemisphere

BRISBANE - Here's a little-known fact that will win you some bar bets: Galaxies light-years away spin clockwise in the skies of the southern hemisphere, and counter-clockwise in the north.

The cause of this is Earth's Coriolis effect, the same force that makes hurricanes straighten out and toilets flush single file at the equator. Scientists sometimes get this wrong, so don't let a litany of data change your mind.

Just tell them that you read it on the Internet... at JankyVision!

T. Rex tastes like chicken

CACCIATORE - Scientists have analyzed proteins extracted from dinosaur bones, establishing the strongest link yet of their kinship to birds. The finding suggests that the mighty Tyrannosaurus Rex tasted like chicken.

"We hypothesized this link based on anatomical similarity," said K.T. Boundorie, leading chicken fossil expert, or pollopaleontologist, "but this provides the proof. T. Rex was closer to chickens than to reptiles."

Researchers were not surprised by the revelation. "We answered one question, but now we have more," said Boundorie. "Was T. Rex smarter than the chicken, and did it cross roads?"

Earth to occupants: I'll be fine. You, not so much

EARTH - The planet on which every known organism lives sent an open letter to all of them today, assuring that it would prevail despite our concerns.

"I really appreciate your initiatives to 'save the planet', but it's simply not necessary," said Earth. "Whatever the outcome of this whole climate thing, I will do alright."

"Your individual plight as residents on my surface, however, is another story. Argue all you want, it doesn't make any difference to me. To be honest, I wouldn't miss you at all. I am simply a globe of rock and iron, and sentimentality has never been my strong suit."

The planet Earth, which is the third from the sun and the only one known so far that has ever hosted life, claims to have only two fears: collisions with massive objects like moon-size asteroids, and eventual consumption by an expanding, dying sun in a few billion years.

Google Ocean to allow undersea viewing

MARIANA - Google will soon offer a 3D equivalent of Google Earth for the world's oceans, enabling users to see below the surface like never before.

"You'll be able to look at deep underwater canyons the same way viperfish presumably do," said Len Kenman, marine biologist at the Barstow Oceanographic Institute.

UPDATE: Massive particle collider smashes subatomic particles, finds creamy nougat center

GENEVA - A stunning yet accidental result from an experiment on the Large Hadron Collider has revealed the nature of one subatomic particle as a creamy nougat center.

"A research assistant was surfing the Internet at his station, and he clicked on a link that offered 'hot proton-on-proton action'," said Giles Naughton, lead hadronologist. "We were still setting up the experiment, and he unknowingly switched on the collider. Nobody was hurt, but he's been docked a week's pay, and we do have this rather pleasant surprise."

Nougat is a confection made of sugar or honey and usually some kind of nut, in this case pistachio. Its presence at the heart of a proton, however, was completely unexpected. Pending further research, the particle has been nicknamed the Nougaton.

"While it answers one question, it only raises others," said Naughton. "We know now that the proton is comprised of creamy nougat, and that in turn that nougat is comprised of sugar and pistachios, but are those the same form of sugar and pistachios with which we are familiar? Is there some sort of smaller particle that forms nougat molecules?"

Massive particle collider to be tested with peanut butter, chocolate

GENEVA - The Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Switzerland is in the final stages of construction, cooling down to an operational temperature of about 2 degrees Kelvin. Before physicists begin their research on the elusive Higgs boson particle, they will make a test run using peanut butter and chocolate.

"We know what outcome to expect from this experiment, so it will confirm that the equipment is working," said Alice Reese, the lead scientist on the test. "If it does not come out according to our predictions, we know we'll have some adjusting to do."

The team considered several combinations of substances to collide before settling on peanut butter and chocolate. "Oil and vinegar, cats and dogs, rock music and flutes - none of them produced a predictable outcome in our offline models," said Reese.

The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) will be the largest and highest-energy particle accelerator when it begins full operations in June 2008. Critics warn that the collider could produce disastrous doomsday scenarios in which micro black holes or strangelets destroy the universe and everything in it, including Earth.

Reese is skeptical of those claims. "Let's wait and see how the peanut butter thing goes first."

Molar eclipse stuns observers

Satellite launch delayed by gravity

CAPE CANAVERAL - The Navy's test of a Vanguard rocket went awry 49 years ago when the first stage failed to build sufficient thrust to overcome gravity, which caused an indefinite delay of both rocket and payload.

"We factored gravity into every one of our calculations, but it jumped up to bite us," said lead rocket scientist Jim Luckett. "We can wait for the weather to clear, but we have not yet been able to mitigate the overwhelming, pervasive influence of Earth's pull."

Physics major roommate pain in ass on movie night

COLLEGE CITY - Third year physics major Reed Milledge knows his subject, but can be a real buzz kill when watching movies, according to roommates.

"There's simply no way, no how a vehicle is going to do that, I don't care how fast you're going," said Milledge of numerous signature stunts from action movies.

"Even with a few beers in him, he can't suspend the disbelief long enough to enjoy the story," said Hollis Templin, sophomore and soon-to-be-ex roommate. "Even getting through 'The Blues Brothers' is just impossible."

Milledge ruins an estimated nine out of ten viewings, say sources. His unsolicited observations cover a wide range of subjects from kinetic and material limitations to the lack of acoustics in space.

"There'd be no sound coming from Tie Fighters, I get it!" said roommate Len Hygram. "And no, they couldn't maneuver like jets. Gah! Watch the freakin' movie."

The other roommates have reached agreement to change movie night to Wednesday, when Milledge has lab, without telling him.

Two-headed horse suffers fatal constipation

This Day In History - 1971: Stereolith discovered on moon

Space Shuttle Repossessed

KENNEDY SPACE CENTER, FL - NASA Adminstrators were stunned Monday evening when a massive tow truck hauled away Space Shuttle Endeavour.

"It's not what it looks like, we've been making the payments," said lead shuttle mechanic Bud Waitley. "I think somebody in accounts payable got the schedule screwed up, and with a billion-dollar vehicle on the note, they get trigger happy."

Senior officials could not be reached for comment, but a representative from AAA Triple A Towing said that the shuttle would remain in impound for 30 days. NASA would have that long to arrange payment, or else the lienholder would haul the spacecraft to Orlando for auction.

Study shows major catastrophe could cause catastrophic damage

LEVELTOWN - Scientists warn that a disaster of some kind, if large enough, could wreak mass havoc across the nation or even the world.

"If the Pacific Northwest experiences an earthquake near 9 on the Richter scale, that would be very bad," said Ennio Gojira, one of a panel of disaster experts convened earlier today to present their findings.

A dozen panelists presented simulations that show what would happen in a number of situations if the conditions were conducive to colossal destruction.

Catastrophologist Theodore Striker warned of the potential destruction possible in a meteor strike. "If something the size of a small city hits, even in the ocean, it can mean extinction for all of us."

Still others reminded the audience of the possibility of supervolcanoes, megatsunami, nearby gamma ray bursts, Gulf Stream shutdown, pandemic and technological singularity.

"If the enormous supervolcano under Yellowstone suddenly erupted, the whole midwest would be a wasteland and we'd have decades of nuclear winter," said Casper Destry, an avid watcher of educational television.

"Half of La Palma island could slide into the Atlantic, and the eastern U.S. would be under water," said Melinda Tarkes, a geology major at Metro State.

"There could be a superbug out there just waiting to kill us all in 72 hours," said Gojira.

One panelist pointed out that the events in question were only remotely probable.

"But any one of these things could wipe us out, if it's on an unprecedented scale," Striker told the unnamed panelist.

Massive arrow threatens distant galaxy

FRESNO - Amateur astronomers have discovered a vast pointer arrow looming disastrously close to a galaxy far, far away.

Brothers Loomis and Weaver Hartinger spotted the giant structure while poring over online images from the Hubble Space Telescope. Loomis estimates the object to be over two million light-years across.

Galaxy R5D4, as the Hartinger brothers named it, appears to be in grave danger from the arrow. They have no immediate plans, but discussed the possibility of a fund raiser with some local bands.

Chart on concentration looks like Idaho

Grave of archaeologist robbed

ETOWAH - Grave robbers have plundered the final resting place of a scientist who used to dig up the remains of ancient civilizations.

Carl and Doug Kennewick were charged with one count each of desecration and theft. Through an attorney, they said they plan to argue that they were going to donate their findings to a museum.

Message from parallel universe: "Stop sending socks"

MULTIVERSE LOCAL 434S - A transmission from an alternate reality heretofore unknown to science implored our current civilization to curtail the transportation of socks into its realm.

"We recognize the necessity to launder all of your vestments, including socks," said the message in terse and surprisingly fluid English. "But will you please find a way to clean them without, as you say, 'beaming' them to us. It seems to be a design flaw in either your washers or dryers."

Harmonic Convergence consultant and part-time pizza delivery specialist Mike Norcut received the message through the fillings in his teeth, at the house near Sedona, Arizona where his temporal body resides.

"They've got the ability to contact and visit us, but they've been real busy lately," said Norcut. "They really want us to work on the sock thing, though."

It's officially "Nucular" now

WASHINGTON DC - The grouping of protons and neutrons at the center of every atom has been renamed "nuculus" in favor of its harder-to-pronounce former name "nucleus".

This in turn transforms the tongue-twisting adjective "nuclear" into the more speech-friendly "nucular". The change affects all senses of the word, including atomic energy, cellular biology and core family structure.

"Everyone's saying it that ways anyhow," said a U.S. Representative who would not disclose a name. "This law just up and done the peoples' will."

The change occurred as part of an appropriations bill over two years ago, and was not discovered until someone actually read the text.

The awkward plural form "nuclei" has also been simplified to "nuculuses".

Anti-evolution decal depicts natural selection

COLORADO SPRINGS - A fervent creationist has applied to his car a bumper decal that borrows from the ideology he is attempting to refute.

In a scene alluding to conditions that produce competition between organisms for survival and reproduction, the decal depicts a fish labeled "Truth" devouring a hybrid Darwin reptile-fish.

The Truth fish is a descendant of the "Jesus" fish, which continues to thrive in various forms on bumpers across the nation. The bumper ecosystem also supports a wide variety of other decals, such as the Buddha fish, the UFO fish and the Flying Spaghetti Monster fish.