Solar lander melts

THE SUN - A satellite probe sent to explore the surface of the sun has melted, according to a spokesperson for the Lower Hampden Aeronautics and Space Administration, or LHASA.

“There’s obviously an important element we overlooked,” said Frederick Plummer of the craft’s vaporization upon approach to Earth’s nearest star. “We’ll have to rework some of the design elements before we try again.”

LHASA launched the probe atop a rocket dubbed SI1, short for “Sol in One” over objections from NASA, the U.S. government and several other regional governments. To get around numerous prohibitions, they conducted operations from a free-floating platform in international waters.

The probe was nicknamed Icarus, after a character in Greek mythology famous for flying close to the sun. Unfortunately, it could ultimately not withstand temperatures that surpass the melting point of all known substances.

Plummer attributes the oversight to several conversions back and forth between degrees Fahrenheit and Celsisus.

“Throw in a couple Kelvin calculations, and, well... you see where it got us.”

LHASA has no plans to launch any more missions until they sort out the metric temperature issues.

Mars Rover electrocuted digging into power main

MARS - The Phoenix Mars Lander was zapped today when it dug without authorization on the planet's surface and struck a high voltage power line. Power was out for a large part of the day.

NASA scientists declined comment, stating only through a spokesperson that they "did not know there would be underground utilities" there.

The Phoenix probe is on a three-month mission to analyze Martian soil, but apparently had not pulled the appropriate permits from local authorities.

Radio telescope opening garage doors on distant planets

ARGUS, NM - A radio telescope once used for charting the universe is now being employed to open garage doors in galaxies many light years away.

"We cannot know what sorts of garage doors they may have on alien worlds, so we send a mish-mash of signals and codes," said telescope operator Ari Cebault.

The radio telescope itself was retired by the government to divert funding towards building a fence around the property. Cebault has leased time on the facility on a grant to study "Extraterrestrial Signal Combobulation".

"We'll test every type of signal available. I plan to open garage doors, change channels, set off radar detectors, whatever."

Cebault is working on a theoretical model to verify the results of his tests. "It's not like we can just ask them. Then they'd know it was us."

International Space Station of Pancakes to open in 2011

THERMOSPHERE - Breakfast enthusiasts will soon have an out-of-this world choice: The International Space Station of Pancakes, or ISSOP.

Renovation in an existing wing of the International Space Station is expected to be complete for the grand opening in July 2011.

Store manager Mitch Gamdell was a line cook on numerous Space Shuttle missions, and has the unique qualifications to fit this position.

"It's a big enough challenge opening a new location, but this one is the most ambitious we've done," says Gamdell. "Parking, or even reaching the station, is going to be a challenge, especially on weekends. We need a few months of full houses to meet the considerable overhead."

Gamdell has not yet fully staffed the restaurant, but he plans to recruit among the crew presently living in the station. "That's about the only way we can find employees who can afford to commute for what we pay."

Overhead will be an issue for patrons as well, as a meal like the Rooty Tooty Fresh & Floaty runs an average $320,000.

Streetlight terrorizes alien planet

UPDATE: Mars Rover stripped in bad section of crater

VICTORIA CRATER, MARS - Four years into its journey to explore the surface of Mars, NASA's Mars Exploration Rover has been stripped of all six wheels. An earlier story about recent upgrades may have brought unwanted attention to the expensive vehicle.

Despite having an onboard camera, the Rover did not capture an image of the culprits. The scene of the crime was Colfax Escarpment, known to astronomers as the "sketchy part" of Victoria Crater.

"We believe they worked as a team, because they got those wheels off fast," said lead Rover brake specialist Doug Prinimay. "But we have no clue as to who 'they' might be."

The Rover team had some disagreement over whether to install an alarm system or a set of chrome rims, which won funding.

The team plans to continue exploring the area immediately surrounding the Rover.

Face on Mars turns out to be somebody else

PASADENA - Astronomers at Jet Propulsion Laboratories have confirmed that the fabled "face on Mars" was indeed a trick of light and not at all the face observers first perceived in low-resolution images from 1976.

"At the time, everybody thought it was Ali MacGraw or some very advanced humanoid extraterrestrial," said Lance Lominlon, lead analyst for JPL's new Folklore division. "Now, with much higher quality images we can definitively say that it's someone more like Bill Pullman or a Roman emperor."

Lominlon believes that the phenomenon of the face was wishful thinking because of the limited lighting conditions and angles from which we could observe the Martian landscape. "It's a classic case of mistaken identity. You can see where the shadows would have fallen to make you think it looked one way, but that doesn't hold up. What's there now and looks like a face has nothing to do with our original perception, and we can therefore put the whole thing to rest."

For decades since the first image appeared, amateur astronomers have speculated about what might actually be on the surface of Mars. Some believed that the "face" was a structure built by a highly developed civilization, designed as a calling card to signal their presence. The new evidence suggests that the features present on the outcropping are purely coincidental.

Bully not so big from outer space

BLOOMINGBURG - Fourth grade bully Tommy Wrennik is the "big man on campus" on the playground, but disappears altogether when viewed at the global scale.

Classmate Miles Gertner, a frequent target for Wrennick's taunting, pointed out the humbling fact during a reallocation of his lunch money.

"Shut up, dweeb," said Wrennick, wholly unaware of the taser-wielding police officer behind him.

NASA: Previously unseen side of Mercury also covered with craters

OUTER SPACE - In a flyby of planet Mercury, MESSENGER spacecraft took some pictures that established definitively the existence of craters we could only postulate before.

"We've known for quite some time now that most of the surface is pocked with craters," said amateur spaceologist and sandwich artist Blake Blealey.

"Now we have photographic proof that there are craters on the other side, too. That's our tax dollars at work. I wonder if we'll find out whether the other side of the sun is bright."

Blealey then returned to his job, oblivious to numerous innovations in his daily life spawned by the space program, such as fire-resistant materials, smoke detectors and the padding in his shoes.

Idaho enters space race with Spudnik