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Rescheduled curling tournament now canceled

LAKE SUNNYVALE, OR - A pro-am curling competition originally slated for January has now been canceled altogether, according to the event organizer Ben Slidee.

"We ran up against an experimental ice hole fishing tournament the same weekend," said Slidee. "But we couldn't find a way to line up the lanes so they wouldn't send the stones on a likely path down the holes."

Slidee and the other planners settled on the last weekend in April, which was the earliest time slot unencumbered by other events at Lake Sunnyvale.

"Turns out I know about as much about seasons as I do curling," said tournament founder Slidee, who has competed all three years and has yet to make the finals. "Next year, if the timing's right, and if one of those other four teams backs out, we've got a shot at getting in the bracket."

Curling, a sport more popular in colder climates and known by many as "chess on ice", depends very much on a solid sheet of ice for reliable play.

Slush Hockey season off to tepid start

LUKEWARM SPRINGS - The already short window for slush hockey season has been truncated by unexpectedly pleasant weather.

Players who depend on the unstable conditions between winter and summer were disappointed with this year's rapid thaw.

"Ideally, we'd have a few weeks of overcast and wind, at least enough to keep the slush on the ground," said Joe Sebleton, captain of the Lukewarm Springs Mush. "We'd get through a tournament of nine teams, with a beer tasting after each game."

Sebleton concedes that the league will have to make do with the beer tastings alone until Lawn Mower Derby Days in May.

Infant Implicated in Juicing Scandal

ELMO, MT - Parents of 8-month-old Citronella Shreda announced that she was in fact one of the parties named in a sealed document to be released Friday. The document presents the findings of a months-long inquest into growth- and performance-enhancing substances provided to small children by their parents, relatives and child care providers.

Shreda faced minutes of grueling questioning in the hearing, but refused to provide a single answer. Her parents have also declined comment, only saying through a prepared statement that they "want what's best" for their daughter.

The family has set up a legal defense fund, with which they hope to provide a better future for Citronella.

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