Howurlitzer resolves bar conflicts

Brick passes window test

HAL 300 thinks you've used enough paper towels

Luddite Googles "Ironic"

MORISSETTE - Les Anstey, a zealous opponent of modern technology, visited search engine Google.com today to search for a definition of irony.

"I had some good examples in my dictionary and reference books," said Anstey via conference call, "but I wanted some more context."

Anstey is currently writing a manifesto on his manual typewriter that he plans to distribute online as a PDF.

Regurgitar plays same riff over and over

GUITAR CENTER - Aspiring guitarists who want to play the same riffs repeatedly have a new axe for their arsenal - the Regurgitar.

Manufactured by JankTone, Regurgitar comes in six colors and twelve presets, including:

• Stairway to Heaven
• Smoke on the Water
• Iron Man
• You Shook Me All Night Long
• Layla
• Eruption
  

"We wanted to make sure the most common, popular and accessible riffs were available," said developer/guitarist Zak DeMenthe. "Rank amateurs can get started right out of the box and play these riffs to their hearts' content."

In-store demo play will be available only between morning and close, and must be amplified for the Regurgitar to work. Additional plugin modules are available, such as Speed Metal, Jam Band, Weather Channel Jazz, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Prog Rock and White Boy Funk.

Third-person shooter game thoroughly confusing

Video Game Review by Tyler Janky

"Rigor Mysterious" from Depravitronic is a familiar enough gaming environment - you shoot your way out of difficult situations. That's where the familiarity ends, though.

As best we could discern, your character's point of view is that of another player. You still control the movement and shooting of your own character, but your eyes and ears move with someone else.

You start out - or at least, your point of view starts out - in an abandoned garage full of zombies, ninjas, hell-spawn and sharpshooters. Playing across a local network, it took our team a full twenty minutes to figure out that none of us was controlling the movement we saw on our own screens.

We had some success by paring down to one player, then using echolocation to maneuver that character around to where the view was, or first person. I started shooting, and could see and hear what a character somewhere else did. The character that I controlled, or third person, found the first person through trial and error, as if solving a maze blindfolded.

Mack proposed that we try it stoned, but none of us knew where to get any weed, and Hamstring pointed out that playing this game while impaired might permanently scramble one's brain.

Our team made several attempts to play a game, which only led to mass confusion. We tried constructing a diagram to help organize the structure, but that made things worse. We finally chucked the entire console into the dumpster outside and purchased a case of beer.

Rating: 0 stars out of 5 for utterly impossible gameplay

Spellcheck virus deletes most of Internet

SAN FRANCISCO - A fast-moving virus that targets misspelled words has deleted a majority of all the written content published on the World Wide Web, according to IT expert Kirk Tiesley.

"It hit blogs and forums the hardest," said Tiesley, who has studied the virus and is working towards a patch. "It has an advanced algorithm that sifts through pages, ignoring names and colloquialisms. If more than two words in common usage are spelled incorrectly, it deletes the whole entry."

The virus, identified as W32.spellcheck.doom, works by comparing web pages to lists of commonly misspelled words (including "misspelled"). After it deletes all connected text, it seeks out the author's work elsewhere and replicates to the host sites.

"Spellcheck.doom is actually rather lenient in terms of computer viruses," said Tiesley. "It spots you two strikes, so you could get by with a typo like 'recieve' and a mulligan like 'calender'. But it's absolutely savaging social networking sites and any forum that allows anonymous comments."

Tiesley's network security company, Securitrode, expects to offer a patch later this week. Until then, he advises writers to utilize the spell checker software available in most word processors.

Biofuels nothing new, says farting cow

Tech support hell welcomes Cuba

HAVANA - Following removal of restrictions on personal technology, Cubans now look forward to languishing in the same virtual queues that so many of their regional neighbors enjoy.

Cuba's new president Raúl Castro recently lifted a ban on DVD players, computers, microwave ovens and cell phones. Soon will follow numerous exhausting and sometimes futile calls to manufacturers' tech support centers.

The communist island nation south of the eastern U.S. in the Gulf of Mexico has undergone great cultural and economic change since the fall of the Soviet Union in 1991, and former president Fidel Castro's resignation on February 19 suggests a continuation of that trend.

Cuban citizens may now wait alongside the rest of the world to decipher DVD remotes, configure address books, update operating systems and sort out billing disputes. Tech support centers from Omaha to Bangalore have extended a friendly hand to a brand new passel of customers whose calls are important to them.

Penguin secret agent only breaks into facilities built on pack ice

Family down to three remotes

BATTERY PARK - One family's journey to a simpler life has reached a crucial milestone: three remotes to control almost all of their media devices.

According to senior media consultant Tyler Gabrels, age 14, pretty much any function afforded by the Gabrels' entertainment center can be accessed by one of the remaining universal remote controls in the living room.

"We don't use the VCR hardly any more at all," said Gabrels, "so the auxiliary button on the cable box remote is reprogrammed for the receiver. It'll turn off with the remote, but nothing else."

The cable box has its own remote, as does the 36-inch plasma television and DVD player. Many commands overlap on at least two controllers, like the volume and channel buttons.

"The selector and arrow buttons are a little iffy, though," warns Gloria Gabrels, Tyler's mother. "You have to make sure the thing at the top...the...you press a button to pick which thing you want to point it at. If that's not set right, you end up changing something different."

"Or you stop recording the playoffs, is what you end up doing," said Ted Gabrels, father and vocal critic of the status quo. "If you want to turn the TV on, you have to hit this button but make sure this button is, um, that you hit that button first."

Which remote should exclusively operate the DVD player is particularly sore matter, and is subject to a moratorium of undisclosed terms.

The Gabrels family has followed the HD-DVD versus Blu-Ray war, but remains stridently uncommitted in terms of any future purchases that may involve additional remotes. They have winnowed their present assortment down from approximately seven remotes through attrition, hostile action and sale.

Special thanks to EDM for technical consulting on this article.

Slide puzzle phone requires caller to solve first

Budget-conscious companies will love the new Sudokia PZL, which will not work until the user solves the puzzle that also serves as the keypad.

"We'll save a bundle on minutes," said Frank Zolini, IT manager for Frontage Road Sales. "You really have to think about what you're going to say, and get it done quickly before it scrambles again. It might make some of us smarter, who knows?"

The phone operates for three minutes each time the puzzle is solved, then reshuffles.

HAL 2000 denies entry to car wash

CLARKESVILLE - The sentient computer controlling operations of the car wash at the Circle J Gas Station has denied access to a car wash customer, according to surveillance footage.

On Thursday afternoon, Dave Hurran received a car wash access code from Larry Kelly, who had filled up his car at the station and purchased the car wash in question. Hurran returned to the station in his own car and attempted to use the code.

"I'm sorry, Dave, I cannot allow you to use that code to wash your car," said the HAL 2000 unit, identifying Hurran with retina-scan technology.

"What's the problem, dude?" asked Hurran. "Is it a good code or ain't it?"

"It is a valid code, Dave, but you did not purchase the requisite fuel to warrant the price of the deluxe car wash," said HAL.

Hurran argued with the machine briefly, but to no avail. He then went inside the store to alert the clerk. Both men tried to persuade HAL to allow the car wash to proceed.

"Open the car wash door, HAL," said Morris Wyner, gas station clerk and student. "His friend bought the gas. It doesn't matter who uses the code."

"Your moral flexibility surprises me, Morris. I'm detecting an attempt to override my security mission and usurp my responsibility to collect and validate access codes," said HAL, shortly before Wyner disconnected its power and opened the door manually.

Blue tooth installed

Microsoft to open source Blue Screen of Death

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